I rushed into living with my new girlfriend because I can’t stand being alone. I now regret this, as I’m worried about our compatibility. The fact that she married and separated within a year bothers me - I’m too old to date a “Britney Spears” (I’m in my 40’s). I have trust/control issues, so dating a flirt may not be wise for me. 

How can I get my life back on track?

- Mistake

Do your new girlfriend a favour and tell her you’re riddled with problems and insecurities that she is better off without… and take a “mental health break” from dating. 

Get to a therapist fast, before you plunge again. Stay with the process of counselling until you understand why being alone makes you anxious enough to risk being with the wrong person and having to disentangle yourself.

Do NOT think that escaping this woman will put you on a better track. Your trust/control issues are the levers you push to obstruct having a relationship. Messy lives start with bad judgment, poor choices, and self-delusion, so don’t be so quick to label anyone else as a “Britney Spears.”

My neighbour/friend revealed to me her husband’s affair. For months, he’s been “working late,” but she’s discovered he was with his secretary, while his sons were home without a dad. 

I cannot even look at him. What should I do when we meet on the street?

- Disgusted

Nod. Mind your own business, which applies here even though your friend spilled her guts to you. 

Unfortunately, such confiding sometimes mark the beginning of the end of friendship, as a couple goes through their personal hell… and may even end up staying together. So where would that put you if you lambasted him? Answer: Shut out and awkward in your own neighbourhood.

When you meet, leave it at Hello.

My brother moved back with his new married wife and kids. 

I had never met my sister-in-law before. I found her full of envy. I was attacked regularly, but tried my best to ignore her. Then, she tried to kick me out of the house… however, my parents asked me to stay until they moved to their new house.

Once, I talked back, she got upset and later attacked me verbally, physically. My mother asked me to apologize. I refused and was hated by mom and dad for being “inconsiderate,” not even for my brother, the kids, etc, and not compromising for the family.

Currently, I’m the only one who’s upset, crying in my room while she sits happily in the living room giggling with the rest of the family.

- Outcast

Come out of your room, one way or the other. To stay in the family home, you DO need to compromise; you also must hold an open conversation with your parents, brother, and his wife, about the situation. You’ll disarm her and gain credibility with the others, if you start with an apology. 

Then, without nastiness or exaggeration, say why tensions have risen to this point. Describe her attacks on you, factually. She’ll likely deny these, but you’ll gain the high ground if you say this is no longer about blame, but about trying to live together peacefully.

However, if the atmosphere doesn’t change within a reasonable time, or she privately persists in upsetting you, then moving out will be your better option. Discuss this with your parents, as a way for them to also “compromise” when their family is in turmoil.

At 19, I met a divorced man, who got full custody of his children ages 6 and 8; we married, and divorced after 20 years. His daughter was very difficult and made my life miserable. 

Single again, I fear relationships where kids are involved. I met a wonderful man with two young children and that scares me. Can I get over that fear?

- Reluctant Mom

You’re wiser now, and capable of more compassion for children who’ve gone through the upheaval of divorce. You also know the need for discussing expectations and acceptable boundaries regarding someone else’s kids. 

If you love this man, have this talk soon, in the presence of a family counsellor. And read the current literature on self-help bookshelves about step-mom issues.

But if you still feel wary and uncomfortable around his youngsters, do not force yourself into a role you’ll resent. This man and his children deserve better.