I’ve found recent messages from my wife (seven years together) to her ex. They’d been together the previous night. When confronted, she said she’d been contemplating a divorce and didn’t feel the same anymore. I begged to work this out but she wasn’t listening, so I talked to her about moving and separating the items we bought together. She cried. 

After several days, I suggested she give up her male friend and some female friends who were present during her rendezvous, to save our marriage. She agreed. She said she had her demons, and wanted to work things out. But now she erases her online messages, and continues to talk to her ex from grade school.

I admit I’m a better father than a husband as my own childhood had its drama.

She wanted a divorce because we don’t go out much. I’m a homebody and like spending time with my kids (our son, and two daughters from a previous relationship).

I’ve agreed to go out with her every week. However, I feel it’s too late.

I cheated on her during the pregnancy and told her. I love her but she says she’s not in love with me.

I’m trying to figure out what’s best for me.

- Torn

Demons and drama – you’re both reflecting old patterns and looking for escapes. Instead, re-commit to the marriage and deal with the present in new ways. Compromise. The weekly date is a good move on your part; if she’s still too housebound by day, she could join programs with other moms, or a gym, etc. 

Your having cheated undoubtedly affected her feelings. You two still need to clear the air on that episode. Beyond your just confessing to it, she needs re-assurance that it won’t happen again.

Don’t overreact to her one-evening escapade… she brought friends along with her, so clearly it didn’t go too far. Discuss together how you can be sensitive to each other’s needs, and face your responsibilities as a team.

I met a man from New York online; though not initially attracted to him physically, he grew on me and we fell in love. We were together for one year and both flew back and forth to each other’s cities, and talked every day. 

I ended it, because of things that bothered me. He was totally surprised and devastated.

I realized I’d made a huge mistake, apologized and tried to make up, but he said to “give it time.” I last spoke to him in October. I wrote him a long letter in November saying I love him, but I never got a response.

Recently, on his MySpace page I found a post from a beautiful woman saying “hey, you have a great weekend.” I’ve been crying constantly since. I miss him terribly; I cannot call him because I sent him that letter “leaving the ball in his court.” Is it really over?

- Seeking Second Chance

Some people won’t chance a second knockout punch. He’s moved on, and clearly feels he can’t trust that you won’t devastate him again. You’ve barraged him about your mistake, but have you given him anything to hang onto for the future? Besides being sorry, you needed to offer something more substantial than the prospect of more plane fares and insecurity. 

Try one more letter, IF you’re willing to suggest you’ll move to his city. If not, he sees nothing but risk for him in starting up with you again.

I had a falling-out with my best friend of 12 years. 

In our senior year, she changed drastically, drinking excessively with new “friends.” When a party at her house turned bad, I almost got really hurt.

She said mean comments to my friends and me about our looks or personality.

She’s always been an egomaniac.

Twice when we were supposed to hang out, she ditched me.

I cut all ties, but she says she doesn’t know what she did wrong.

- Am I Being Fair?

She’s unreliable, irresponsible, uncaring of your time and feelings. So who’s unfair? If you were to accept this, you might as well wear a sign marked “doormat.” You’ve made a wise, self-protective choice. 

But to honour 12 years of friendship, do this: send her one last message that her drinking problem has made her nasty and ruined your friendship, and she needs help to quit.