I’m 45, male, never married, and enjoying the single life mostly because it’s given me freedom in making choices that have improved me personally and professionally.
Repeatedly in my working life, colleagues (including a former boss) have commented on the fact that I’m single. One person even came out bluntly, saying that means I’m a selfish person. They say they’re just kidding but they keep it up.
I can see that since I don’t have children, my colleagues think I don’t like children. However, the opposite is true. I’ve volunteered my time on fundraisers benefiting children who live with physical disabilities.
I was born with a physical disability called spina bifida and spent many years as a teenager in and out of hospital for surgery related to it. Many years when I would’ve been dating, were spent in the hospital. Overcoming the challenges of getting on my feet was a much greater priority.
In a sense, overcoming such challenges brought meaning and happiness to my life because I can become a guiding light to others in a similar plight.
Some people’s definition of happiness is to have children, but mine is to help others overcome their own challenges that life throws at them.
So I ask, Am I Selfish?

- Another Perspective

Thanks for shedding a guiding light on how wrong personality judgments can be - especially those based on only superficial factors.
Yours is a directed, not a selfish, life: You set necessary survival goals for yourself, and then used your success to support, guide, and inspire others. Most people only focus on the people in their immediate circle; you reach out to countless children, their parents, and those who get involved with them, to show there are ways to help, and to encourage.
Now, since you’re thinking about your image in light of others’ comments, I’ll add this: Don’t be shy about your passion for benefiting children. Spread the word. Have some information handy about how to help children with disabilities. When anyone “kids” you about being single and self-interested, hand them a brochure and an opportunity to contribute.

After my father suffered from a stroke, and was close to suicidal, I went through a dark and negative period. My longtime friend said she didn’t like my attitude and I’d better shape up or end up friendless. I dealt with my issues without her.
Six months later, I tried to reach out but felt overwhelmed by her pressure to discuss what happened. Eventually, I dropped the friendship.
After a year of not speaking, she alerted me she’s getting divorced (I was her maid-of-honour). I don’t know how to react. My first instinct was to run over and console her.
I’ve heard, when things get tough, you know who your true friends are. How do I comfort her knowing that when things got dark for me, she wasn’t there?

- Divided Reaction

Demonstrate what you believe friendship’s about: Visit her, listen, and say you understand the difficulties she’s experiencing, because your own “loss” when your father’s stroke changed him, affected you deeply. Hopefully, she’ll get the message, and you two can both express your deep personal hurts.
Some people put up what I call “porcupine quills” when they’re suffering through dark times, and it does push others away. Others practically cry out, “Come comfort me.”
You two are different types, but that doesn’t mean you can’t re-connect as friends… unless she’s too self-absorbed to get it.

I recently met a friend of my best friend’s husband; he’s great, everything I’m looking for.
My friend said he’s very interested in me. But she’s not sure he wants to ask me out, because I have an 11-month daughter. I have no other baggage.
Is there anything I can do or should I just hope he gets over me having a child?
I’m new to dating as a single mother now.

- Whose Move?

Take a chance, and put out a low-key feeler: Example: send a cute card related to something that he said, or some interest of his (fishing? golf? whatever).
Keep it un-suggestive but include a simple outreach, like “Coffee, sometime?” If he responds, go slow. Be sure to speak of your daughter as part of your life, without pushing them at each other.
BUT, make sure he’s relaxed and gentle with children, before you get into a relationship.