I am part of a group of women who have all been friends for about 10 years. We met online through our local chapter of a support group for women all going through something at the same time. We have since all remained friends.
We are all married, with children and careers. We all have busy lives. We are all also daughters, sisters, daughters-in-law and friends. And we are all interesting and complex women in our own right.
One of the women, however, seems to think that every get together is a platform for her to complain about everyone and everything in her life. We all care so much about each other, and we want the best for each other, but we’re finding it hard to solely focus on her every time we’re together.
How do we gently tell her that we ALL want to share?
Me Me Me!
Next time you get together, start with an idea, for example, “Why don’t we each talk about one of our children, and then pass to someone else? After the kids, we can move on to our husbands, or our jobs, or anything else. But let’s take turns.”
Hopefully, she’ll get the hint. If she doesn’t, you may have to have an intervention, in which you all tell her how you’re feeling.
I believe that my wife is emotionally and psychologically abusive, but I don’t know who to talk to. She’s a complete narcissist and always has been. I think I knew that when we first married, but it wasn’t problematic. Not all narcissists are bad people.
I strongly believe that something happened to her after we tried desperately to have children but couldn’t. We were late to check with doctors, thinking it was just naturally not happening. When we finally did reach out, and after a barrage of tests, it turned out that she was the one with the issues, not me. This was too much for her to accept and that’s when the abuse started.
I felt badly that she was shouldering the responsibility for us not being able to create a family, so I caved to her unhappiness, thinking she might change with time. She didn’t and things turned from bad to worse. She started drinking and lost her job. I tried to get her help, but that backfired.
The pivotal moment came when we were in the middle of a fight one night and she threw something at me. It cut me under my eye, and I ended up in hospital requiring stitches. She drove because I couldn’t see, but when we arrived, a police officer who happened to be nearby, arrested her on DUI charges. While she was out of earshot, they asked what had happened to me and I told them the truth.
Both the doctors and the police suggested strongly that I leave my marriage due to abuse. I don’t know who to talk to because that sounds final and severe.
Abused Husband
Domestic abuse isn’t gender specific. In 2023, approximately 78 per cent of intimate partner violence victims were female, the other 22 per cent, male. However, statistics show that males report abuse less often than females.
NO ONE should suffer abuse, of any kind. Talk to someone you trust, such as a close family member, a friend, or a member of clergy. You have already told the police, but it’s important to make an actual report. And make a safe exit plan. Your safety and security are most important.
FEEDBACK Regarding the frugal wife (Jan. 22):
Reader – “Today's letter-writer is worried because his wife is not grooming herself as she used to and is not shopping for the kids or getting them haircuts. You suggest he assess her mental health. I suggest he take the kids shopping for clothes and to the hairdresser, if he thinks they need it.
“Maybe, as she directly stated, she’s overwhelmed. And instead of whining about her inaction, he could just do what he sees needs doing.
“I say: Get off yer butt, buddy. Your wife needs your help. Less entitlement, and more parenting, should do the trick.”
Reader #2 – “There’s nothing stopping the husband from taking the children for haircuts and buying them some new clothes. If she’s struggling with her mental health, then even small tasks can seem overwhelming and perhaps he needs to do some grocery shopping and helping with other household jobs.”