My wife has four brothers, none of whom like me very much. I have tried to endear myself to each of them separately and as a group, but they’re just not having it. My wife says they’ll warm up, but…. it’s been eight years that I’ve been around. Yes, at first, I was just another boyfriend, but I figured once we got engaged, they would let down their guard.
I did the right thing and asked her dad for her hand. He said yes, but that he’d have to run it by his sons. I thought he was joking! Obviously, they gave their approval because we got married two years ago. But they’re still cold, steely-eyed and I dare say, I’m a little afraid of them.
How do I deal with this situation? I don’t want to live my life cowering from my brothers-in-law.
And one
That’s no way to live, and I agree – you shouldn’t live like that. Talk to your wife. Ask her if she has any insight into why her brothers all dislike you. If one wasn’t friendly, that’s manageable. But all four? Either they’re collectively messing with you, they’re acting like jerks, or perhaps you’ve done something highly offensive.
Your wife’s parents also have an interesting relationship with their sons if they felt it necessary to ask them for approval for your marriage.
But bottom line – she chose you. She loves you and you love her. You could have a conversation with the brothers, but you’d need to be strong. Tell them it’s unfair to their sister to be so consistently unfriendly to you. And what about if and when you have children? This family dynamic needs to change and I feel strongly that your wife - their sister - holds the key.
My wife is in a relationship that trumps our marriage. She and her work partner spend more time together than we do as husband and wife. She is on the phone with him before she even leaves the house in the morning, and she speaks to him before she goes to sleep at night.
Even when we’re on vacation, she speaks to him several times a day. He is gay and in a serious relationship with another man, so I don’t believe they are having a sexual affair. But their connection is so tight that I feel superfluous.
I’ve spoken with my wife, but she brushes me off, repeating that he is gay and therefore my worries are unfounded. But an affair doesn’t have to only be physical in nature. What should I do?
Losing My wife
Your wife sounds very enmeshed with her work partner, true. And, if he’s gay and in a relationship, then they’re probably not having an affair. But you are right that any relationship that is stronger than your marriage can negatively affect your connection.
Your wife needs to find balance, and if she can’t do that on her own, you two should probably seek the help of a marriage counsellor.
FEEDBACK Regarding cheaters (Aug. 4):
Reader – “Your answer to the man convinced his girlfriend was cheating makes sense if she really is cheating on him. But I have met women whose boyfriends suspected them of cheating with no evidence at all. Maybe these men don't believe in their own worth, or maybe they've been played by someone else, or maybe they have been cheaters themselves, but some guys are suspicious without a shred of evidence. Some go as far as stalking their girlfriends or wives at work.
“If there's no evidence of her cheating, and he's still worried, he needs to slow down this relationship until he has developed trust in the woman. Without trust any relationship is doomed.”
Reader #2 – “I was accused many times by a former boyfriend of cheating on him; he made all sorts of insinuations and rude comments about my business colleagues (all married men) and made up stories about me and them. Turns out that boyfriend was cheating on me. So, it was deflection. He kept ‘wagging the dog’ when he was the guilty one.
“If that writer doesn't have evidence, and they sound quite young by the tone and matter of their letter, they need to stop with that behaviour and telling the other that the relationship is on the line. It's gaslighting the non-guilty party. I would tell that girlfriend to get away from him now, if he doesn't have evidence, keeps making things up, she's in for a rough ride of manipulation and gaslighting.
“And spoiler: I wasn't cheating.”
Lisi – Some people are very insecure and that can sabotage healthy relationships.