My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for five. We have a six-year-old daughter. I just found out that my wife's been cheating on me, and is considering leaving me. I don't want to lose her and I want to forgive her.

I became hysterical when I discovered the affair and it scared her. Before we can even attempt to mend our relationship, she wants to talk about the affair. How do I deal with this without becoming overly emotional? I truly do want to forgive her and discuss things calmly. I just know this is going to hurt so much.

Blocked

You have two choices: 1) There's hearing the details of the affair, which will be painful and leave some uncomfortable images; OR 2) There's NOT knowing what happened, why it happened, how you and she ended up in a situation that let it happen, and how you can possibly prevent it from happening again.

Sure, either choice is frightening to face, but only the first one gives you a real chance at moving forward together and paving the way for forgiveness.

Right now you're trying to wish the whole thing away with instant "forgiveness." But that's just burying your own emotions, and hers as well, and pretending nothing's changed. It's not true forgiveness at all.

But discussing an affair often requires some professionally based guidance, so that you don't end up in a terminal battle of angry reactions. I recommend the book, After the Affair, by psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, who offers strategies for healing a relationship and rebuilding trust.

I have a hard time committing to a relationship. Every time a man shows interest in me, I suddenly get this uncomfortable feeling and don't even want to hold his hand.

There's one guy with whom I always get along. We tried dating, twice, but I always back out. I still love being around him, but I don't want to hurt him again. Did I ever really like him? Or am I too scared to commit?

I've had a few boyfriends, but feel like if I choose one guy to date, all others will lose interest in me, and I don't want to lose any "opportunities."

I don't want to feel trapped!

How can I figure out what's going on in my head? I really like this guy and I think we'd be so great together if I weren't so easily freaked out.

Want to Love

You're not missing the love gene, but you do lack the self-confidence to take a chance. It's not commitment that scares you, but your own confusion. It's got you riddled with doubts about yourself and your choices, more than about any particular guy.

After all, you're an adult, and it's fairly normal to check out an attraction with someone, to get to know each other better, and then to decide whether it's a comfortable match or not. It's also normal to not like everyone who likes you, and not interpret that as a deep flaw in yourself.

But what is it about a relationship that you may want; that you think will "trap" you? Is this an old record playing in your head from other people's stories, or from your own past?

If a compelling desire to be with this one guy can't help you get past your roadblocks, then see a therapist to probe whatever's really messing with your ability to trust your own feelings.

My daughter's 35, her on-off boyfriend's 38. He makes over $100,000 per year. Yet for their six years together, he stayed in my home on weekends, I treated him for dinners, cooked for him, did his laundry, and took his car to the mechanic, all as if he were my own son.

Yet he never showed appreciation, never brought over anything. He also didn't treat my daughter well. I'm happy that they broke up several months ago. Can I inform him he's no longer welcome at my home? Or, if he decides to come back to her, it's not allowed?

Taken Advantage

Talk to your daughter. IF she takes this user back, you and she need a different deal. SHE must have a life with this man or any other, that's independent of you. YOU must be far less involved with whomever she chooses. He took advantage, because you let him.