My father was a divorced deadbeat dad - unsupportive, abusive and narcissistic. He’s not a role model for me or for my children. 

Two years ago, I broke off all communication with him and all his family, saying I wanted nothing from him/them. He’s never met his youngest grandson and my other children don’t remember him.

Now my mother wants me to forgive him.

My daughter’s starting to ask questions. I could go on without him and feel that we’d all be better off. Dealing with him is emotionally draining. He’s not communicative, so we’ll never be able to hash out our differences.

Should I allow him to see his grandchildren… risking that he may pass on his low standards of parenting and possibly be as abusive to them as he was to me?

- Wary in Ontario

Forgiveness is such an important element to bring to the hearts and minds of your children, that it’s worth your trying to understand why your father was the way he was. By doing some research, you may come to realize that his flaws were not totally of his own making, and he didn’t have the skills, confidence, role models etc. to do better when raising you. Then, you can share some of these insights with your daughter, to explain why you keep your distance from him. 

Fortunately, you have better skills and judgment, and if you feel he’s any kind of risk to your children, you must monitor any time you let him have with them. Proceed slowly, and if the contact is too hard on you, end it.

Forgiveness can heal old wounds, without having to permit new ones.

My boyfriend and I have been off and on since we were teenagers. He’s been married and had two kids since, while I waited around to have him back. 

We’ve been living together in a committed relationship for five years. I love him and his two kids dearly.

I recently raised the topic of having a baby. He doesn’t want more kids – I feel so hurt and cheated. I’ve waited so long to have him to myself but he refuses to advance our relationship.

Everyday I’m reminded of his past that doesn’t include me.

He has a visible tattoo of his ex-wife’s name on his arm.

- What to Do?

He feels no need to move your relationship to another level, since he knows you’ll always be there, no matter what he does. Or will you? 

Maybe he’s doing you the favour of getting you to look at yourself, for a change. Are you still willing to wait for him to shape your future… whether you ever have your own child, whether you have an identity of your own?

If you’re tired of living as an extension of him, then say so. State what your desires are – marriage? kids? Whatever.

If he comes up with all kinds of reasons why those choices aren’t possible, remember this: Tattoos can be removed… unless the person wearing that symbol is perfectly happy with the way things are.

My best friend’s sister is her maid of honour, but has done nothing. I’ve helped pick the bride’s gown, her flowers, etc. Yet her sister’s claiming she’s done it all. 

At the wedding, should I point out my contributions to our friends?

- Fuming

The wedding is about your best friend, not you. And she doesn’t want conflict in the air. Your friends already know your contribution, and her sister’s character, so keep mum.

I’m 27, living with my boyfriend and his two adolescents who can be great. Their mothers aren’t around. 

I try to bond with the kids but there’s always a huge fight when I discipline them. They’ve called me a witch, though I clothe, feed and clean up after them.

I want to leave but love my boyfriend. He wants my emotional, financial and physical support. How can one little incident blow our happiness?

- Frustrated

A “little” discipline incident can be hugely unsettling to youngsters - especially those whose mothers are absent. Their father should be the main disciplinarian, and you two must agree on what are the house rules and expectations, appropriate for the kids’ age and past experience. 

And the children need to be informed of logical (not harshly punitive) consequences by him, ahead. Read books on parenting, such as Talking to Tweens, by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, to gain greater understanding.