My boyfriend and I have been living together for nine months and fighting now more than ever. He’s constantly angry at me for things I don’t think are a big deal. Every issue stems from something I’m doing wrong or not doing right. 

I’m trying to do better but he’s not very patient with me. He says our relationship is tiring.

He deals with things by getting really angry then silent.

How can I get him to normally discuss the issues in our relationship, which I want to fix, before it’s too late?

- Worried

It’s too late. You’ve already accepted this living pattern: his increasing anger, and your compliance, escalating to new levels. If you stay together, things will only get worse. He’ll become more controlling, possibly physically abusive, until you’re completely submissive or have to flee to save yourself. 

Far better to move apart now, and insist that you cannot consider resuming a relationship until he gets counselling for his anger, and his inability to deal with or discuss differences between partners.

If he’s willing to get help, take time to find new ways for you two to relate, before living together again.

If he refuses help, his anger partly stems from being the wrong guy in the wrong relationship.

Eight months ago, my husband of 23 years said he loved me, but was no longer in love, had been unhappy for a long time and was considering separating. 

He rejected going for marital therapy, saying there was nothing to work on.

Financially, separating would be difficult now and he prefers to wait three years until our youngest child goes to college.

Six months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and have since had a mastectomy and chemotherapy. I’m on my way to full recovery and recently tried discuss our marriage, but he says this is not the time.

I know that he wants to stand by me for now and part of me wants him to stay; another part thinks that if he believes there’s no hope for us, he should leave.

I love him.

I knew what had to be done to survive cancer, but I’m at a loss as to the best course of action for saving or ending my marriage.

- Still Devastated

You clearly have the courage and determination of a true survivor, so draw on it now for this challenge. 

You do NOT want to spend three years living with hopelessness and his inflexible agenda. It cannot be healthy, either for your recovery, your self-esteem or your children’s well being, since they’re bound to feel the increasing household strain as time rolls inevitably toward his leaving.

There are no guarantees that your finances will be any better able to handle change at that time.

Get legal advice now (he’s likely already done so), and start to assess your needs, rights and responsibilities. Then insist on separating as soon and civilly as possible, with both of you preparing your children for the changes to come.

I love my step-daughter but she’s like a hurricane when she visits. She’s 15, and leaves wet towels on bedspreads, food bits everywhere, dirty dishes on counters, etc. 

I have younger children who see her breaking all the rules. I don’t want to be a wicked step-mom.

- Frustrated

She needs reassurance as much as better manners. Explain that these house rules apply to everyone equally, and since she’s loved equally she must respect them.

Things have been good with my girlfriend of five years, until now. 

She’s 21 and has a new work friend, 32. Whenever they’re hanging out together, my girlfriend refuses my calls and only phones back later.

I saw a text message from her friend that read, “I love you, goodnight.” I didn’t say anything.

Last weekend they stayed at a hotel together. Is this a sign of her cheating on me with another girl?

- Confused

Many women have close friendships in which they say, “I love you,” and mean it platonically. This co-worker may be an important female role model in your girlfriend’s life, a mentor, or just a tight buddy. 

If there’s been no other signal that your girlfriend’s bi-sexual or gay, don’t raise the question. But do tell her that you feel hurt and excluded from her new friendship, and wonder why it has to be that way.