My live-in boyfriend of two-and-a half years and I love each other very much.
Six months ago, he accepted a lucrative job in another province, basically leaving me out of the decision.
I said I’d support him and have tried hard, but can’t. The way this went down left me very bitter.
He comes home once a month, and we still have a great time, but our phone conversations are a joke. It’s like talking to a wall.
We've talked about the issue and he’s said it's going to be tough, you’re either willing to support me or not.
He says if I really can't take it, he’d come home. I'm not sure I believe him.
I fear this distance is slowly driving us apart. But he thinks we’re unbreakable. He’s wrong.
Talk about solutions instead of “the issue.” Can you visit him every month?
With his job so lucrative, he can possibly pay your way.
Is there a timeline planned e.g. using this to get a better job back home in, say, two years?
Have you considered trying to get a job there?
Get over how this “went down.” He likely feared you’d talk him out of it. Discuss how it can work. Two people who love each other should certainly make the effort.
My husband doesn’t tell me the truth, is disrespectful of my feelings, and has a cocky attitude.
However, he’s a hard-worker, has a lot of friends, and is sociable.
His friends tell me he loves me. I still love him partly, but am unsure if that’s enough.
He has a drinking problem. I also believe he’s been dealing with depression and anger since his mom and a friend died several years ago.
I want him to stop drinking and hanging out at the bar. He’s always complaining about being tired and sore but comes home late from work, eats, and goes to bed by 8:45p.m.
Communication during the week is impossible as I stay up until 11 p.m. doing chores. I work five days part-time, rather than full-time (which I believe he resents) so I have time and energy to shop, cook, help our teenagers, nieces, and nephews, help my elderly mother, see special friends, etc. There’s very little "me" time.
Adding up how much money he spends on beer, bars, cigarettes, outings, etc recently flabbergasted me. He was shocked too, and vowed he’d change.
I’ve suggested counselling to discuss his anger, resentment, and triggers for his drinking. He’s done nothing. I’ve also suggested his taking a less stressful job and our moving to a smaller home. No reply.
I want a man who adores and appreciates me for my kind, giving nature. I’m decent-looking, a great mother, daughter, friend, aunt, and sister.
I’ve told him he’s losing me.
We tried marriage counselling years ago and I’ve gone on my own. He doesn't like it.
Should I go now? Or wait till the kids are gone?
Continually Frustrated & Disappointed
The key problem is alcoholism. Drinking to excess for many years, commonly triggers ready anger, depression when anything’s sad, and easy resentments.
Meanwhile, you’ve created a separate life, keeping yourself so busy being all things to others (perhaps in reaction to his booze-related sociability), that you contribute to the lack of communication.
There’s a distanced pattern being maintained by both of you.
Tell him you’ll leave, now, unless he’ll deal with his drinking problem. If he does, you both need to re-work this marriage.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who thought her male neighbor was cheating on his wife (April 26):
Reader – “I agree that she should “shut the drapes” and not alert his wife, since she knows nothing certain.
“It reminds me of a long-ago situation that happened to my parents and me. A couple stopped their van on the road near our home. They were having a big argument. My father told them to knock it off. They told him to mind his own business.
“He told mom to call the police and let them handle it.
“Several weeks later, my mother and I saw some neighbors and spoke to them.
“The woman told my mother that she’d heard from someone that my parents had had this big argument. And she’d heard from someone else that my father and I had the fight.”
Ellie – Spreading stories without facts can ruin neighbor relations and marriages.
Tip of the day:
Once a secret’s exposed, a couple’s dynamic will either change or fail.