Men who flirt openly, right in front of their partners, always deny that they’re doing it, because they know it’s socially unacceptable. 

The women who respond to these flirts, do so, because they can’t really believe that a man in a relationship would be so overt.

Meanwhile, the flirt’s partner is quietly angry, and the “victims” (targets) of the flirting think they won the lottery until they act upon it, and then are ignored.

This happens all the time.

My question is, why does it happen and how do we stop rewarding bad behaviour?

- Observed and Annoyed

It sounds like you’ve had too much personal experience with a flirting partner. So instead of dealing with generalities, let’s get to the point, which applies to anyone whose loved one is a born flirt: Talk about it. 

He/she needs to understand the consequences of flirting – that it demeans and embarrasses you. Also, it becomes evident to most others present, that the flirt is really an attention-seeker… which is a less attractive trait than the flirt likely thinks.

But don’t blame the “victim” or object of the flirting, for “rewarding bad behaviour.” The person may be momentarily flattered, or even mutually attracted. But the problem rests between the couple.

I invite readers to respond and write their experiences with flirtatious partners, men and women alike, and how they handled them.

Suddenly, several of my friends in their 60s, are hooking up with partners 20 years younger. I thought 40 was the mid-life crises mark. 

Is this a second phase?

- New Trend

If 60 is really “the new 40,” you’d have your explanation down pat. But there’s more going on: People are living healthfully with longer life-span expectations. If their relationships at 60 are deeply unsatisfying, some aren’t prepared to accept another 20+ years that way. 

A younger mate may feel like a fresh start. Or, both parties simply fill a need in the other, like any other union.

I’m a gay male, 25, whose friends say I’m too traditional as I don’t believe in having sex before a relationship that you consider to be life-long. My friends both gay and straight insist that men aren’t going to put up with that restriction, and it reduces my chances of finding someone. 

I’m told that gay men are obsessed with sex, like all men, and that you have to put out or end up losing a potential relationship. However, I’ve turned down dates with men whom I’ve learned have slept with a ton of guys.

Am I holding onto standards that can’t be met in this society anymore?

I believe in love, and having a committed relationship, including sex. But I want a long-term relationship and don't want to back down from my values.

- Looking for Love

Stick with your values and seek like-minded people; yes, it’ll mean losing some dating opportunities, but achieving a committed long-term relationship starts with being selective, and honest about what’s important to you. 

You don’t need to keep canvassing opinion, just be yourself. Instead of going to bars to socialize, where dating expectations may be far more casual, go to venues that have some cultural or other aspects that interests you, e.g. a theatre group, or a social club connected to an arts institution such as a gallery or museum.

Tell your network of friends and relatives, who know you’re a traditional guy, that you’re interested in finding a similar-minded mate, and be open to set-ups on that basis.

I’m 15, and at a recent dance my friend told me that a boy I liked kept looking at me. He didn’t ask me to dance because he had a date. 

I know his family and we talk sometimes.

I can’t stop thinking about him. Am I obsessing over him, or just have a big crush?

What if he likes me and is just shy?

- Wondering

A crush can feel exciting, even if it’s one-sided; but so far, you have no idea if he’s interested in you. 

He’s not so shy, since he already took a date to the dance, so don’t start imagining his “hidden” attraction to you. He knows who you are and talks to you.

Be friendly and open to more conversation, but don’t push for more…

To avoid “obsessing,” keep busy with friends, school work and extra activities. There’s nothing attractive about someone looking desperate for a connection.