I'm late-20s, married. My sister's younger, she and her son, age six, live with our parents.

She'd gotten pregnant while engaged, but broke up, married another man, they split up, and she's single again.

She's very difficult, has little luck finding steady work, so goes on courses, which take her away for long periods, leaving her son with our parents.

She expects them to support her and the boy. Her choices have caused huge worries for them and my dad suffers depression and anxiety.
For many years I've felt burdened by my parents' assumption that I'm my sister's keeper. They believe I should get angry with her on their behalf. They're very generous people, but expect her to be eternally grateful, and get angry and frustrated when she isn't.

She's a selfish, stubborn person who'll NEVER thank them the way that they want. They're also easily offended, and my sister gets quite sarcastic.
Yet they won't set any limits because of their grandson, so there's an endless cycle of frustration, anger, blow-ups, and then simmering resentment. But NO ONE in that house wants to change. I live several hours away but get frequent complaints from each side about the other.

I've tried to set boundaries but they're consistently getting breached. When I stick to them, I get snarky responses from my parents, acting as martyrs.
I can't be drawn into this toxic whirlpool any longer. What should I do?

Stuck in the Middle

Remove yourself, except for where you can provide meaningful help, and that's with your nephew.

Have him visit with you for a weekend treat, periodically, to get him away from that toxic environment.

Tell your parents and sister that's a role you'll happily accept, so they can get a breather from the daily demands and expectations they place on each other.

Tell each, privately, that they'd be wise to use that time for real benefit.... your parents to take a weekend off themselves, and your sister to get a part-time job and start building toward some independence.

Be clear that being an AUNT is your only commitment here. You're not your sister's keeper, nor your parents' fixer. When you get complaints, turn it around, and ask what each is doing to improve things. Be firm..."snarky" responses won't hurt you; they only reflect the frustration of people who won't help themselves.

My son, 21, has been through many different ups and downs. While going to university he lost one year due to low grades. After rejoining university, he improved, but after a break-up with his girlfriend, got involved in other activities.

This past summer, he didn't get a job and now he's started taking some kind of drugs. His attitude towards our concerns is like he doesn't want to listen to anything. I'm worried about his life and future, but don't know how to approach him.

Concerned Dad.

Confront him, but with caring as well as consequences. Say you recognize he's had disappointments, will help him get career counseling, and personal counseling, too (explore the availability of campus counselors). But you won't support his giving up, doing nothing, or relying on drugs instead of finding positive ways to move forward.

Agree to pay tuition only. Do NOT add spending money beyond the necessities for food and transportation. Stay closely connected.... visit him, email, Skype.

Be positive about his strengths and talents, rather

than only discuss his negative behaviour. And watch for signs of depression.

My boyfriend sits at his family's dinner table hunched over like a starved bear, shoveling food in his mouth. His father and two brothers eat the same way.

He's a great guy and loves me, but how can I spend years with someone whom I'm embarrassed to eat with in company, and whose family meals turn my stomach?

Disgusted

Have a meal together away from his family, at least once weekly.... whether at your place (with or without company) or any restaurant that you two can afford (cheap food's fine for this process).

Privately point out how most people eat without greedy abandon - i.e. sitting up, bringing food to mouth, not face to plate. If some people eat boorishly, note the difference.

Without demeaning his family, say that manners matter to YOU, especially in a partner you hope to be with for the long-term. Be understanding that change will take time and patience.