My boyfriend of three years admitted having a strange relationship with money. So, I knew what I was getting into.
I’ve been living on my own since very young, a hard worker and able to budget.
He’s never had to budget. His ex-wife is wealthy and apparently paid for most things.
Now that they’re finally completing their divorce, he’s received half of the house money.
He’s self-employed, able to make enough to live, and has a large guaranteed pension coming at age 55 via his wife's job.
In his bank account there’s more than 1000 times the amount of money I have in mine at my highest level. Yet he expected me to buy food and drinks for most of our relationship.
But I lost my job last year and things got ugly.
I'm back at work now and also moved out. There’s no work for me in our small town so I moved to the city. Now we see each other on weekends.
I’ve had to borrow from a friend to pay first and last months’ rent.
My boyfriend didn’t provide financial support. In return, I didn't pay my small amount of rent at his apartment right before I moved out.
He now claims I owe him $1000. I’m refusing because I’ve paid well beyond that in food and drink for us over three years, and I buy food and gifts for his young son.
Also, during those final two months living together he was very mean, constantly screaming at me to leave.
I've tried many times to budget with him, but nothing would stick.
He’d say he was buying drinks out at bars/restaurants for us more often, so I should buy all groceries, or that he was eating lunch out every day so shouldn’t buy as many groceries, etc.
Most upsetting is that he refuses to make a plan for investing some of his money (a lot) or even how to live off it until that pension starts coming in for him.
He says that I don't take his money issues seriously, because I get a regular paycheck.
I'm now trying to ignore the complaints, but he must stop making digs about being broke when we’re discussing plans together (always something frugal like picnics!) because it’s hurtful to me.
He’s changed from the first year of our relationship - “the money’s for us and let's plan a trip” - to now, with him even refusing to buy food before I visit him, or him complaining about the $20 train ticket to visit me.
He’s acknowledged that we could use a third party (counsellor) to talk about these issues.
How do I get him to stop complaining? I’m still paying off my friend, while he works an average of four hours and eats out daily.
I want to see him and feel loved on the week-ends, but it always comes with distress.
Fed Up and Furious
IF you love him and have a relationship with his young son, get to counselling together fast, since he’s agreed.
But you must split the cost each visit and walk away if he arrives with an excuse or refuses to pay.
You’ve both let this issue go on, with you unwisely paying for food and drinks from earliest times.
However, he turned nasty over money. Ask the counsellor to probe what money represents to him, more than the relationship.
If you don’t find ways to discuss/deal with finances, there’ll be no future together.
During my university years my parents divorced, my relationship with them became distant, my old friends married and/or moved away.
My husband’s family live in another state and we’re not close.
I’m in a full-time job working with one other person, and I’m busy with my young kids after their school day. My husband’s a workaholic.
I’m often very lonely. How can I bring more zest into my life?
Lost My Mojo
It starts with taking that first step… maybe into a gym for an hour twice a week, hiking and picnicking with the kids on the weekend, or learning to belly dance.
Remember what felt like fun in the past and try to re-capture that feeling – perhaps joining a once-weekly volleyball team, going to the nearest beach this summer…
Working and raising kids have daily schedules, but there’s also time for refreshing yourself and your family, if you think creatively.
Tip of the day:
Meanness over money (especially when it’s available) can destroy a relationship.