I’m 29, in a four-year relationship. I wasn’t aware of his problem with alcohol until he’d sporadically visit his older brother, drink, and not return for a day or days.

He’s gotten a really amazing job, and has been working and responsible as a family man.

But every couple of months he goes to his brother’s place and messes up.

I’ve given him an ultimatum: to either stay away from his brother, or leave me and the life we built together.

I’ve insisted he contact his brother and cut ties by saying he no longer can be part of his enabling lifestyle (his brother has no job; all he does is drink).

My boyfriend’s chosen to stay, but feels he doesn't need to inform his brother… just not answer his calls or visit him.

However, he’s tried this several times and was unsuccessful. He’s tried to go into rehab and treatment but we don’t have money or good insurance to cover all of that.

Desperate and Fed Up

Your boyfriend’s problem is alcohol, not another person. His brother’s an enabler, but he’s the secondary problem.

Your guy has to want, as desperately as you do, to not mess up again.

You’re doing the right thing by calling him on the situation, but be clear that it’s about him and his drinking.

His problem likely runs deep in the family, since it’s affected two siblings. He needs to fight it, not hide from it.

Money isn’t required to join a sobriety program like Alcoholics’ Anonymous, and there are others too, if that doesn’t suit. But AA is a good start – he’ll see himself reflected in many other people of all walks of life, background, ages, and gender, who’ve hit bottom and realized it’s up to them to save themselves.

My husband of ten years and I have seven-year-old twin sons. I was attracted to his creativity, his relaxed manner, and that he loved me. I also wanted to get married and have kids.

From the moment I graduated in my field (science-based), I’ve worked. He looked for “projects,” used up his savings, then finally got noticed by an ad company that appreciated his quirky humour.

Five years later, he’s unemployed… didn’t like the pressure, the deadlines, any critique of his ideas, etc.

Now that I’m the only responsible adult, I see him as spoiled by his immigrant family and self-absorbed. We’ve been to counseling, where he accused me of being controlling. Even the therapist smiled, since I am left doing everything while he mopes around the house, and watches TV (“for ideas”).

I’m ready to throw in the towel but he’s asked me to give him another chance. I can’t see any reason why I should do this.

Exhausted Wife/Mother/Scientist

The reasons to give him another chance are obvious – you married him, for better or worse, in sickness and health. Even if he’s partly responsible for being unemployed, he’s lost his status and likely his self-confidence, too, which is why he “mopes.”

You’re not “stuck” with him forever, but whatever drew you to him initially deserves trying to make it work.

You do “everything” because you have the inner fortitude, drive, self-esteem to carry on - you’re that kind of person. But he’s the partner you chose, and you have children together. Giving him one more chance is worth the effort.

Get back to counseling - individually and together - and also suggest he see his doctor regarding his low spirits and energy (depression? alcohol? pot?).

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose “blended” family excludes her (Nov. 10):
Reader – “Everything that she’s described points to behaviour that requires immediate attention.

“I believe she should bail on the relationship because her boyfriend of seven years has proved to NOT be a strong advocate for her. He should tell his daughters, "This is my girlfriend and potential wife. Treat her with the utmost respect or get out of this house.”
“Under no circumstances should SHE have to leave the house when his 18-year-old daughter’s visiting from university.

“He’s allowing his daughters to control him, and as long as they know they can, the woman’s status with this man is limited.
“I’ve been in a similar situation that was not as severe, and chose to leave after a year and a half.

“I’d recommend her reading Dating The Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide If He's Right for You by Dr. Christie Hartman, PhD.”