I'm a retired male, 66, married, have two grown children with families, and we’re close to the grandkids.
My daughter married ten years ago, to a man whose parents broke up. He constantly said how pathetic his parents were, that his family life sucked.
He has no respect for his parents (or anyone else) - often showing disrespect, especially to his mother.
My daughter was a loving, caring person. After years of hearing negative rhetoric, she’s changed.
He and I have had run-ins, she always backs him.
Recently, at a rare family dinner party at their house, he described how “some jerk” he’d seen riding his bike down the middle of the street turned out to be me.
I said nothing, went to a different part of the house.
He approached me and asked whether I was upset. I said I didn't appreciate being called a jerk in front of the family.
He then defended himself and attacked me verbally, saying he’s always trying to impress me and is sick of walking on eggshells around me.
Then my daughter started in at me, the wine took over, and she told me to leave the house and not return.
It’s the first time this behaviour was witnessed by the whole family.
I left, while the family stayed and enjoyed the meal.
Although my wife witnessed the whole thing and was crying when I left, she didn't offer to accompany me, even though the next morning she told me that I was wronged and she should’ve left.
She also visited there two days later because a grandson had broken his arm. Shouldn’t there have been a grace period?
I’m more upset with my wife for failing to show her loyalty than I am with anyone else. I think the relationship with my daughter is now permanently damaged.
Am I right or overly sensitive?
Don’t let this couple ruin your closest, primary relationship - with your wife. She should’ve left and knows it. But she also reacted as many mothers would, trying to keep peace. She rightly doesn’t want to lose contact/access to the grandchildren, and it was natural for her to see the boy when he broke his arm.
More important, those kids have negative parents, and you hint that your daughter’s drinking is part of their unhealthy dynamic of isolating themselves against all others who might come close, including you.
Your daughter may well need your support one day, if she wakes up to his anti-family influence.
Meanwhile, you and your wife need each other. Forgive her, she did acknowledge where she was wrong. The problem is outside, not within your union.
For a married couple, for whom is sex more important, for men or women? And how can you know if your partner is satisfied with the amount of sex if she won’t say?
In the Dark
When you label differences between husband and wife regarding sex, you fall into the trap of polarized attitudes. It easily leads to disagreements, hurts, frustration, and resentment.
In a healthy sexual relationship, intimacy – including holding hands, kissing, stroking, sexual intercourse and more – with its loving feelings and bonding, is equally important to both partners.
There may be phases over time when one partner wants more frequency, and another wants more foreplay. And times when each may be preoccupied and have to be encouraged to get sexually turned on again. But that’s all normal, and natural so long as you don’t take stubbornly opposed positions.
I’m having great trouble getting over a break-up. Is it crazy/desperate to want to meet up with him after we split up six months ago, and ask him the questions that nagged at me while we were together?
Or, should I let it go and move on? I just want closure at this point, no hidden agenda of wanting to get back together.
Haunted by Uncertainty
No, it’s not a crazy wish, but often leads to feeling worse than you do now. Here’s why… you ask the questions, and he might, out of spite, or to justify himself, give you responses that are more hurtful than the separation itself.
It’s a set-up for feeling desperate or demeaned.
Think through the break-up on your own… the very fact that you didn’t know what was on his mind, how he treated you, etc. Then move on and avoid him. Anything else is self-defeating and potentially harmful to your self-esteem.
Tip of the day:
Don’t let hurts from another affect your most important relationships.