My husband of five years had a two-month affair with a girl he supervised at work. It ended when I confronted them. She still reports directly to him.

We’ve started counseling, and I’ve demanded that he get another job. He’s turned down many job offers, as "beneath" him. He refuses to move to another company for the same pay.

I feel it’s the "move" that’s important, not the money. He’ll likely get a requested transfer to another location, but will still have contact with this girl.

Even the name of his company makes me cringe. I don't believe he’s continuing the affair, but feel I’ll never move on if he’s working there. But my feelings fall on deaf ears.

Cringing from Betrayal

Stay with the counselling. You’re both missing the point.

For him, it’s refusing to accept enough responsibility to make the change that matters most to you. It suggests he thinks the affair was not that big deal you think it is.

For you, it’s focusing on the company, and not the man. He’s disappointed you to the point of cringing; it’s not the company that’s causing this reaction.

Unless each of you wants to stay together enough to look at what happened more closely, and why, the marriage can become cringe-worthy too.

I separated from my husband four years ago, but we only finalized our separation agreement recently.

My lawyer advised that I file for divorce, which I don’t think is necessary.

Would it make any difference if I just stay with the agreement? I always thought the separation agreement stands for everything and is the equivalent of the divorce paper.

Legal Uncertainty

Beware the professional advice you give to yourself. Especially when what you decide is based on no research, and on supposition.

Inform yourself. Study the information online from a legal website for your jurisdiction’s family law, regarding the difference between a separation agreement and a final divorce decree.

Then, ask your lawyer why he/she believes you should proceed to divorce. Do not assume it’s only about a fee charged…. but if you think it’s too high, say so, and consider getting the divorce through a different lawyer.

In my experience through this column, staying “separated” only, is still a form of attachment, often holding people back from positive thinking and steps to getting on with their lives.

Dear Readers – I receive many questions from people asking for referrals to specific, and affordable professional therapists.

There are many different specialties within the counselling field – e.g. marital or individual counselling, addiction therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, etc. I cannot promote an individual or counselling centre.

You can find provincial/state professional associations online. There are also websites like findatherapist.com.

Yellow Pages can also help you find local listings, e.g. under Marriage and Family Counsellors, etc.

Referral from your family doctor is helpful, so is recommendation from someone who’s been helped by a particular therapist.

As for cost, some community service organizations have counselors who charge a fee according to income. Faith-based organizations, churches, and other religious centres offer pastoral counselling that’s usually made affordable.

There are also some training programs for professionals that offer supervised counselling by senior students. Search for this in your community, through Google.

In Toronto, for example, The Centre for Training in Psychotherapy (the CTP) provides, as part of the training, that senior students nearing graduation begin working with clients while under faculty supervision.

It’s a model that other training centres may also employ.

FEEDBACK Regarding “Lost” who asked how to get over an ex (Feb. 13):

Reader – “I just wanted to say thank you.
“Years ago I experienced my first heartbreak. It took me a long time to get over it. Your words to this person resonated so deeply with me.

“I wish I’d seen them closer to my own experience. I hope this person takes them to heart, lets go of holding on, and can truly put this ex in the past.

“I’m now married (we had our first child in June).

“My husband loves me exactly in the way I need to be loved, even when on a challenging day.

“I’m so grateful for him, and for having the opportunity to grow in my faith during that time of brokenness, and learn what I really needed, and deserved in a relationship.”
Ellie – It’s painful, but a break-up can help you define who YOU are.