My boyfriend’s very sexy, but when he’s been drinking he loses it…. he’ll be all passionate and wanting to leave a party to make love, but when we get home he’s only interested in sleep. We go out a lot (no kids yet) and our friends always meet up with us at bars, but I’m feeling there’s something missing in our relationship if he loses his interest so easily.

Yo-Yo Sex Drive

It’s not about you. What’s missing is his inability to control his drinking habit. He’s suffering the sexual effects of drinking to excess – he gets sloppy-sexy when high, then can’t perform as he’s close to passing out.

Facts: Alcohol interferes with erectile function, and sexual desire.

Find out whether he’s willing to limit his drinking for the relationship’s sake, or needs an addiction program like Alcoholics’ Anonymous. OR, whether alcohol is always going to be the third party between you two.

If so, move on.

I read that older couples can regain their sexual libido together. I’m 45, and feeling friskier now than I did when our two kids were home… they’re both away in University and I find I want to enjoy sex with my husband again. He’s surprised, and has even asked if I’m feeling guilty about something, like having a crush on someone at work.

I’m trying to convince him that we’re mostly on our own again and that we can get back the excitement we once felt for each other. Am I wrong?

Frustrated but Frisky

You’renot wrong. Many women feel they’re in their prime in their 40s, when children need them less and pregnancy is less likely or not at all a problem.

Having sex at any age helps couples feel intimacy, reassurance, a feeling of being wanted and needed, which adds to self-worth and confidence.

I say there’s no age limit on those feelings and needs.

I married in my late-40s after an exciting and freewheeling lifestyle as a single in the entertainment industry. My wife’s a senior health administrator, late-30s, very organized, and precise.

Now that we have two young children, our life seems to be all about chores, schedules, and her checking up on me doing my part. Even sex is slotted into the week (or month, if the kids are sick or we are, or whatever) as a scheduled item.

I love my children and cannot think of leaving them. I “love” the wife I married but sometimes don’t like the one I’m living with and feel I signed onto the wrong productions. Any suggestions?

Too Scheduled

I could tell you that real life isn’t the same as “entertainment” productions, but you already knew that, in theory. However, in practice, you got used to the former way of life. Then you opted for a change.

With children now present, you have to adjust. But so must your wife. Talk to her. Tell her you want to be a connected, happy couple for the long-term, not only a couple that gets everything done.

Don’t blame her or critique her, she’s as influenced by her profession and its lifestyle as you’ve been.

Try to find “loose” time together – casual family outings without specific plans, occasional babysitting help so you two can get out on your own. Housekeeping help can relieve some chores, if affordable. Do some others together, rather than stick to strict divisions of labour, which leads to one person monitoring the other.

If you can’t do this together through compromise, get marital counselling.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man who now considers himself bisexual because he turned to another man when his wife wouldn’t have sex (Feb, 16):

Reader – “He’s kidding himself. He’s 100% homosexual. Probably, when an adolescent, his friends would’ve been talking about girls and he dreamt about beautiful women, just like he wrote.

“But straight men don’t seek sexual gratification from another man.

“His wife probably found out that he’s a closet gay after she had children with him. She’s now too embarrassed to have sex with him. She’s staying with him only for the sake of the children's future.”

Ellie – Your conclusion’s based on your own feelings, as a man, but another person’s sexual behaviour can be fairly complicated. He believes he wants sex with his wife, doesn’t get it, finds relations with a man “safe, and not cheating.”

I advised marital counselling, no “affair.” Either his sexual orientation, or wife’s negativity, will become clearer.