How do you know that you like someone? Are there supposed to be “sparks” when you talk to them or when you’re with them?

Newbie to Like/Love

“Sparks,” like batteries, are not always included, especially at first. Some people report feeling them, but it’s mostly an emotional reaction unconnected to real knowledge of the other person.

Otherwise, those alleged sparks aren’t a very dependable measure of whether it’s a lasting “like.”

Sometimes it’s butterflies in the stomach, not sparks, but both can come from the thrill of thinking this could be The One. Or, from plain nervousness. Much depends on your eagerness for a relationship.

But you still can know thatyou like someone, after a few meetings (not just online chats which can be misleading). You feel connected when the conversation flows easily, you find common interests, feel relaxed in each other’s company, are eager to see each other again.

The most important clue: You feel mutual respect and value, rather than just a challenge to get that person to like you.

Keep that last goal in mind – and you’ll be on your way to healthy, satisfying relationships.

It amazes me (from your readers’ letters) that there are so many sexless relationships out there. Is it mostly sexless from the men's side? Or is it because women write in about this more frequently?

It’s certainly not me, or any woman I know, who doesn’t want sex. Sure there are a few... but not the majority.

I lived in a sexless relationship for nine years, almost the entire time we were together. I stayed for many reasons: Smart man, good man, never unkind. Great housemates, we shared a cottage, dogs.

There was no physical affection, but obvious affection in many other ways.  I also never got a straight answer, why no sex, just a wall of silence.

He finally agreed to counselling.  It didn't work because (still no explanation) he didn’t follow her advice. After several sessions, both together and apart, the counsellor told me that he had the problem, not me.

She couldn't of course divulge what he’d told her.

Apart, we continue to share the dogs without issues. We’ve even been at a few weddings to celebrate mutual friends.  He attended and was very supportive of me when my father suddenly passed.

I still question, Should I have left him? I remain single at 49.  I’ve had relationships since him, but none as long, due to disparities in conversation/lifestyle, etc.

But I now believe that no person, especially a feeling person, deserves to go through life without physical affection. It really does do a number on your head - you do feel worthless in a sense.  Women covet to be coveted, at least in some small way, each day.

Couldn’t Stay Sexless

You tell a compelling, sad story, because your partner was a good man, you had a comfortable life together, yet he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, give you physical affirmation of being a much-desired, as well as loved, woman.

You went the logical, decent route of trying to make it work, by going to counselling, focusing on the good things between you, yes, even the dogs.

Had you had children together, you might’ve tried to force the issue somehow, of hearing his explanation, in order to stay for a reason.

Though you may not agree, there are some women who’d accept the situation, because of the stability, an emotional bond (if it’s strong), and personal beliefs or fears about divorce.

I was widowed six months ago.  I’m in a lot of internal pain as life goes on.

My late husband's niece recently got married. I had no desire to attend. My daughter forced me to attend three events.

I felt very out of place and uncomfortable, although I knew everyone. I was deeply hurt by not listening to myself. How can I get past this?

Devastated

Time does heal. If you let it. It wasn’t wrong for your daughter to encourage you… attending his niece’s wedding was a way of honouring your husband. But three events were just too much.

In future, pace yourself, listen to your better instincts, but do NOT wallow in grief.

There are many routes to grief counselling (faith centres, community organizations, therapists) which can be very helpful and supportive, especially when you’re ready to join a group and find you’re not alone despite the loneliness.