I’d watch some soft porn videos with my fiancé when we were dating, and enjoyed them and the aftermath they seemed to inspire.

But since we started living together, the porn has increased to hard-core stuff (which I have to walk away from) and our sex life has slowed down.

I’d thought this only happens in extreme cases, like where a man was unemployed and got addicted to porn.

But my fiancé’s a busy executive and says porn is his relaxation.

I say that our lovemaking should relax him, but he brushes me off. I’m starting to fear this is what our married life will be like.

Grossed Out

Scientific studies have made it clear: Excessive porn watching decreases some men’s ability to have an erection.

Porn addiction also lessens their desire for sexual activity that isn’t erotically charges, or with women whose bodies don’t reflect those of porn stars.

Whether he calls it “relaxation”, or his own way of achieving orgasm without performance-pressure, his porn watching is the third party in your relationship.

Yes, this IS what your married life will be like, just like now. Unless he realizes that you’re not accepting it, and unless you mean it.

If he admits he’s lost control of his attraction to porn, insist that he get therapy for behaviour modification strategies for his sexual dependence on porn.

My wife says she’s done with sex. She say she’s had our two kids, raised them to teenagers, and now can spend more time taking care of her own needs instead of mine.

She’s started a night course and comes home late, and my job starts early in the morning, so we are like passing ships now.

We haven’t had sex more than once in the past two and a half months.

She also says that at 45 she has a right to close the door on sex since her body’s changing anyway and she has no desire.

Passing Ships

It’s not okay for one person in a couple to arbitrarily withdraw sex unless there’s a necessary physical or emotional health reason, or an unpleasant sex history between them.

However, at 45, with her body changing, and no sexual desire, she’s apparently experiencing strong menopausal symptoms.

These can be very disturbing physically and emotionally, including night sweats, daytime hot flashes, dizziness, vaginal dryness causing pain during intercourse, loss of libido, weight gain, and other body changes which can cause depression.

Women experiencing heavy symptoms often feel suddenly old. If their partner doesn’t understand, they also feel alone and resentful.

There are things that can help your wife, if she gets proactive and learns about ways to handle menopause.

Exercise is crucial to her mood, and healthy eating can help her work with her body rather than fight it.

Some women find that alternative treatments like black cohosh can reduce symptoms. There are creams that help with vaginal dryness.

Her doctor can advise her on whether she’s a candidate for hormone replacement therapy or whether she has risk factors that preclude it.

Talk to her about all this – not just to get her into bed – but because she’s your life partner and you show her you care about how she feels.

Many women enjoy a robust sex life after the initial onset and changes of menopause – freed of the worry of having children and of the constant care of youngsters.

Hopefully, your wife will appreciate your caring, and adjust to this passage.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man who wrote about controlling women in his relatives’ lives (Jan. 27):

Reader #1 – “His brother should leave the marriage, especially if there are no children or the children are older. Being alone can’t be worse than life with the “The Warden.”

“What controlling spouses miss is that half the fun in a marriage is a contributing to the other person’s happiness.”

Reader #2 – “His letter is just another example of males banding together to say how aggressive, hateful, hurtful, and awful females are.

“None of his male relatives described seem to mind the “controlling” behaviour of their female partner.

“He’s just bolstering his own passive aggressive behaviour towards females.”

Reader #3 – “Worse is the lady who stalks inexperienced men, always willing to please….. until she gets that big traditional wedding. The bull only emerges after that.”

Ellie – If only both genders would insist on equality in their relationships… or walk away.