I recently was invited to a man's place for dinner and drinks. I went, knowing he was already involved with someone. Nothing happened while I was there, and he did tell me directly that he was involved with someone.
I’m just wondering why he’d do something like this, when he’s dating someone else, and also not mention it to her. (He received a call from her and made no mention of my presence).
My interest in him is strong.
You’re not just “wondering” - you’re hoping and purposefully ignoring what you know to be true.
He invited you over because he knew you’d accept. He’s testing how far your interest in him goes.
The next invitation won’t just be for dinner. And his girlfriend still won’t know that he’s going to cheat on her. But he’s not going to break up with her. You’re an “extra.”
Ask yourself if that’s what you really want. And be realistic – this type of guy is rarely worth you feeling second-class.
My sister’s been in a ten-year relationship with a man my family despises. He’s very awkward, smokes and drinks excessively, and often comes home drunk.
She’s told us how she’s made him sleep in the washroom after he comes home drunk, how he’s banged on the door shouting late at night because he was drunk and lost his keys.
He’s also very argumentative and doesn’t hear anyone else's opinion. They got "engaged" four years ago - no proposal, no announcement to the family (we found out on social media).
We’re a close family, and we’ve tried talking to her about his habits or comments that anger us. He recently made my in-laws feel very uncomfortable at a gathering when he was offering various women massages.
However, my sister defends his actions as "kind" or "because he was raised European."
She doesn’t seem happy with him. They argue in public and she talks to him like he’s a child (keeping tabs on him).
My parents feel it’s up to fate to run its course, my other sister thinks they’ll inevitably marry and we should try and ignore his behaviour.
I don’t want this man in our family and I want our sister to be happy. What more can we do?
Back off. It seems that the more you don’t want him, the more she hangs on.
She apparently feels she has to prove she can handle this herself, and make her own choice. There’s clearly a side of him she can tolerate, perhaps even loves.
If you stop critiquing him and pushing her to break up, she may relax and see the red flags for herself… specifically, his excessive drinking and frequent drunkenness.
Alcoholism takes its toll. She’ll need your support, no matter what she eventually decides about this man.
FEEDBACK Regarding parental abandonment (Nov.3):
Reader #1 – “My son, a long-time drug user, had a son with a girlfriend, and he sees the boy intermittently. When his son was 10, he got clean, married a different woman, and refused to have further contact with his son.
“I objected, so he stopped all contact with both me and my grandson. The rest of our family and my grandson have kept in close contact. I love him dearly, and have assured him that his dad's behaviour is no fault of his.
“My grandson’s 28, a kind man with a good life of his own, and very close to me and our family.”
Reader #2 – “I'm a single parent by choice, and used an anonymous sperm donor.
“When my son started school and realized that some of his classmates had two parents, he asked about his daddy. I told him that he doesn't have a daddy, that I wanted him so much that I didn't want to wait to find the perfect daddy, so I went ahead and had a baby on my own.
“I kept reassuring him that he’s loved, wanted, and I wouldn't change anything.
“When he was older, one of his friends told him that a woman couldn’t get pregnant without a man. I said yes, it takes a man and a woman to make a baby but making a baby doesn't make a man a daddy. The man who helped me be pregnant didn't want to be a daddy and that was okay because I wanted my son so badly.”
Tip of the day:
When you’re brought in as an extra, you’re not being considered for the lead role.