My boyfriend of 20 months blindsided me by breaking up, saying I’m not the girl he wants to marry (I’m 35, he’s 41). Days before, he said he loved me but had fallen “out of love.” 

Our sex life has sucked this year; there’d been deaths in the family. Plus, his alcohol consumption and smoking don’t help.

He decided it was because of some big issue (unknown) in our relationship. He said I don’t do enough at his house or spend enough time outside with him when I visit (we live three hours apart). He’s trying to justify something to himself.

I’ve done lots for him. He used my Crohn’s Disease as an excuse, as sometimes I don’t have much stamina. I feel I was duped.

He’d frequently talked about wanting to marry me - but never produced a ring.

I’m friends with his ex who said he did the same with her. He has a pattern with women, and in his life, too.

He’s moved to a different government office almost every year; now he’s trying to get out of the one he’s in.

I feel like the last 20 months have been a lie. I’d thought this was forever.

Of my previous boyfriends, one cheated on me, one was a porn addict, one only wanted a cook, maid, and sex slave.

Why did this happen? Why me?

- Why? Why?

It’s instructive that your original letter was 17 times longer than this one, which is edited for space. 

For me, it’s evidence that you’ve ignored the main signals this man sent, preferring to interpret interminable small details however you chose.

Red flags: 1) you knew that he led women on; 2) his life pattern of restlessness and flight; 3) predominantly lousy sex; 4) he “talked” marriage but never went further; 5) he was critical of you.

Your own history of selection appears random and without good judgment. When you always end up with jerks, you need to look at your own pattern of bad choices, and ignoring the signs.

Instead of torturing yourself with why this happened, look forward to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Counselling will help, so long as you seek personal growth, not exhaustive venting and self-pity.

My husband has had no income in six months. He’s also had ill health. 

I have three kids (the oldest in university), and trouble managing my bills. I’m the breadwinner, with a good job.

We’re also fighting a court case for my son, who, through a parking lot accident, has been wrongly accused of speeding and dangerous driving! We’ve taken a loan to pay legal fees.

I must continue working and can’t take all this stress yet don’t know how to handle everything without spilling the stress onto the kids.

- Overwhelmed

Reverse your thinking: your children, with their day-to-day lives and interests can become your stress-busters, if you get them onside. 

Delegate some responsibilities around the house so you don’t try to be Wonder Woman on all fronts. They can help shop, make lunches, prepare simple meals; Hubby can also pitch in.

Take advantage of your husband’s freer time to keep tabs on the court case, do research on the issues, and keep you informed. You two and your son should all be equally involved and responsible.

At work, focus fully on what’s needed there. Breathing exercises, walks, and brief periods of meditation whenever possible, can also help ease tension.

My brother, 24, has never worked, flunked university and college (skipped classes) and shows no interest in getting employed. He only volunteered briefly, when threatened with the boot, but now sulks around all day. 

My parents and I have tried being helpful, tried yelling, nothing fazes him. My parents and he need advice.

- Frustrated

Your brother isn’t seeking advice or solutions, because he doesn’t have to, knowing others will worry but leave him alone. Your parents should have him checked medically, for depression, or other conditions that may be contributing to his inertia. 

If not, they should issue a firm deadline of six months, for paying rent to them, or moving out. It means he MUST find work. They can show support by helping him find career counselling, paying for upgrading courses.

But as the date nears, they mustn’t falter – instead, find cheap accommodation for him, then bow out.