My close friend has become obese and disheveled -looking over the past couple of years. She married for the second time three years ago, he’s a big guy too, but she really has ballooned!

They’re renovating a house, which involves a lot of stress and she has a successful company with a lot of responsibility, but I’m astounded that she’s let herself go so badly.

She deals with customers and I’m sure she’s putting some off with her appearance. What can I say to her that’s not just insulting?

Concerned

Open a conversation asking about her, and let her do the talking. She’ll undoubtedly mention her stress, which is when you’ll show concern. Then go through, with her leading the way, how to find ways to deal with it… has she seen her doctor in case the stress is affecting her health?

That’s where the weight issue will be obvious, and it’s best discussed between her and the physician. If she starts to care about her health, she’ll hopefully pay more attention to what and how much she’s eating. With more confidence in how she’s handling things, will come more self-care.

Meanwhile, without criticizing her appearance, you can suggest a girls’ mani-pedi get-together one time. Another time, just say you want to go for a walk on a great day, instead of meeting to eat… all ways to introduce healthier living without telling her how to live.

My wife of 25 years says she’s finished with sex. She says she doesn’t need it anymore; it just makes her uncomfortable because of her hormones. I said I still feel sexual and she’s being unfair, but she says 25 years was long enough.

When I said that entitles me to get it elsewhere she said, “Over my dead body.” What’s a healthy male supposed to do?

Frustrated

As in the above situation, a third-party professional is the route to go. If hormonal changes are affecting her, she should be talking to a medical specialist in menopause issues… not just to have sex be comfortable, but because of all the symptoms and discomforts that those hormonal swings can bring.

Many women have heard of one much-publicized study that scared them off hormone replacement therapy, and in many cases they are right to be wary. But each woman needs to get informed about how menopause is affecting her, specifically, and what are her options.

Instead of challenging her all about sex, talk to her about pursuing information for her own sake, not yours.

Of course, if she’s so stubborn that she won’t listen, seek more knowledge, or make any changes, you, then, have a decision to make about staying in a sexless marriage, or going your own way. Here, too, getting professional advice from a counselor might help you decide what’s best for you and your situation.

My father’s mid-60s and suddenly gone from erect posture, to looking “old.” He’s now stooped, and even shuffles when he walks. But he says he’s fine. Is he having a seniors’ crisis, fearing old age?

Worried Daughter

This is my day for boosting health professionals who’ve studied for years in their field and had experience treating thousands.

Insist he see his doctor. When people show changes, especially suddenly, whether in their manner, gait, physical appearance, they must be checked for developing conditions, mental health changes, etc. If he resists, that may signal that he’s depressed.

Start with his family physician. If possible, you or someone trusted should attend with him, so you’re clear about what the doctor says and recommends.

I’ve been told confidential things by one of my son’s wives, which affect her relationship with my other daughter-in-law.

Even on special occasions, our family gatherings are tense, with them barely speaking to each other.

However, if one knew about the other’s “secret” history, I know she’d be kinder. But if I were to even hint at this, I’d be betraying a trust.

In The Middle

You will not be in the middle if you stay quiet, which is what you should do. These are adult women who need to work it out themselves. By intervening, you could distance both from you, plus increase their problems with each other.

Your best and last advice to the DIL who’s confided in you is that she opens a dialogue with her sister-in-law on her own. PLUS, she sees a counselor about the “secret,” why she’s so affected by this woman, and how to handle it.