My wife’s brother recently learned that his wife wants a divorce. Their children are ages 2 and 4.  

He was shocked despite years of issues; both are hard-headed and argumentative. Our culture doesn’t look kindly on divorce, as I found when my own parents divorced (right after my wedding), and I’ve seen how tough it’s been on them.

I’m wondering how to approach this situation with my wife’s family. I’d like to help them understand how difficult it is financially and emotionally; also his wife thinks she’d automatically get the kids, despite not having a job.

They tried counselling for three sessions then she refused to continue.

This has caused lots of issues in my wife’s family.

- In the Middle

Be a caring relative, not an “expert.” Show empathy for both relatives, then back off. Most people seeking divorce know there are tough challenges ahead, but feel they’ve already endured hard times. You don’t know what went on behind their closed doors. 

Your “authority” may easily be dismissed; worse, you could be accused of meddling and rejected by one or both. Suggest only this: Each should get individual counselling about how they’re feeling and how to handle the situation as it unfolds.

By showing the wife you accept her right to pursue this course if she so chooses, she may put down her defenses enough to see a therapist and a lawyer, and find out what lies ahead, as well as what her options are.

If your brother-in-law seeks separate help, he may recognize that his “shock” is unrealistic, and that he played a part in this marriage breakdown, from which he can learn and make changes.

I was in an on-off relationship for one year; his time for me was always limited. We broke up and I moved away broken-hearted. 

When we communicated again, I visited him twice (he lives with his parents) and thought we were headed to a commitment. He asked me to move in with him (with his parents’ approval).

I’d been staying near my ex-husband and son; moving away caused a bad rift between my son and myself, he won’t accept my calls. But three days after moving there, I was told my guy wasn’t in love with me and wanted me to move out, leaving me homeless.

I’m now getting back on my feet, I still spend nights with my guy and we’re still intimate. He only wants to be with me with no strings attached. He sees other women, but he always contacts me.

I still love him even though my only child won’t have anything to do with me because of my choosing this man.

Am I being stupid to continue to have feelings and stay intimate with him?

- Confused

You’re being willfully self-destructive, which could be called “stupid,” if it weren’t also so sad, because of how little self-esteem you have. 

Your son sees that you’ve thrown yourself at a man who cares little for your feelings or your future security. When this jerk’s no longer interested in keeping you around as an “extra,” you’ll have neither him nor the one person, your son, who cared for you just for yourself.

Write your son, apologize; leave this man. Then try to build a real life as a mother and a responsible woman who values herself, and who doesn’t think “love” is a feeling for which you have to accept being treated so shabbily.

My husband of eight years has moods that last from three days to three months. He can withdraw totally, be very against me, he can stay in a room watching TV and go to work without speaking to me. No affection or intimacy. We’re 50. 

He always blames me, saying I did this, I’m telling him what to do; I’m the one that's crazy.

When he’s normal, he’s loving and kind.

- Monster Moods

In his “loving” state, encourage him to get a medical check-up. Middle age can be a time of hormone change for men as well as women, affecting mood. 

But treatable illnesses from chronic depression to brain tumours can also cause unusual behaviour.

Tell him this isn’t only about your relationship, it’s about his own quality of life, and the waste of so much of his life feeling so hostile.

If he resists, talk to his doctor yourself, to seek suggestions.