I'm a married man (nine years) with a son, seven, and step-dad to my wife's daughter, 13. Since marrying, there have always been double standards - one for my family, and one for my wife's.

We’d always be at my in-laws for every family function they held. Our son noticed this whenever he wants to spend time with my parents and isn’t allowed.

But he’s allowed to visit my in-laws (which he’s admitted that he doesn’t like because no one spends time with him).

My wife won’t put our lives ahead of her family's.

Lately, she pays more attention to a baby niece and her father’s health issues than to our family. Her daughter isn’t doing well in school due to her neglect.

When I try talking to my wife, she brings up things that happened more than five years ago and can never come out of the past and deal with the present.

Frustrated Dad

You have a responsibility to two children and yourself to break through her diversion tactics with a reality check:

Whatever happened five years ago was then, but the marriage is at a danger point NOW.

She needs to know you’d seriously consider splitting the family (as she has done emotionally). But you won’t go without a fight, which would involve insistence on counselling (even family courts in some jurisdictions can insist on mediation).

It means that you two must confront together those five-year-old issues between you, and try to overcome and sweep them from your present dynamic.

I’ve been in a moderately unhappy relationship for three years. I love him but knew I was falling OUT of love with him a month ago...
He’d proposed with an unemotional ultimatum. THE DAY AFTER he went back to his old self – accusing me of cheating, and ignoring my feelings. Now, when I go to work, I leave early to clear my mind.

Of course he believes its because I'm making time for another guy. That wasn't true until two months ago.
I was talking to this guy (we work in different departments) about what I was going through at home and eventually

I slept with him three times. I feel like a complete hypocrite.

I was looking for that emotional connection that wasn’t coming from my fiancé. Now I feel attached to my co-worker. I don't want that. Especially after he told me he saw his ex and still had feelings for her.

I've never just had sex without being in a relationship first.

I'm frightened to try to get closer to this guy knowing

I’m in the process of leaving my fiancé and confused.  I'm scared of change but know I need it to heal myself.

I’ve been emotionally broken since my childhood and never broke off a relationship since I started dating five years ago.

Scared of Change

Time to grow up and realize that only you can bring your present and future away from your past.

Accepting a proposal from someone, who constantly accuses you and ignores your feelings, is like clinging to a leaky lifeboat.  It won’t work, and the journey will be miserable.

The problem is that you’re turning to men for answers, instead of to yourself. The need for emotional attachment is understandable, but it has to be mutual, and free to grow.

You keep choosing the wrong guy, because you haven’t found your own emotional strength.

End the quickie affair, and end the unhappy engagement.

Get counselling help rather than deflect your fears, yet again.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young woman with the unambitious boyfriend (March

Reader #1 – “She needs to ditch this guy now. He’s had eight years to prove himself, and gotten very comfortable letting her take care of him. She has her doubts, or she wouldn’t write to you these words, "I am scared of being with someone who won't grow."

Reader #2 – “This young woman said, "When I try to discuss some of the things I'm interested in, he'll brush it off, express little interest, or patronize me." That comment alone begs the question why she would want to spend her life with someone who shows so little interest in her.”
Ellie – She doesn’t respect him any more. And he doesn’t respect her driving work ethic. If their love is strong, they could reach a balance, but she may’ve let her resentment last too long.