I’m 21 and met a guy on Tinder who was cool. He was a lot of fun and I really liked hanging out with him. We got closer the more time we spent together.
This summer my family’s moved across the country and I’m away for four months with them.
We agreed to continue talking and pick up where we left off in the fall.
Before I left, he said that I should date someone else where I was. It upset me.
He said that he likes me a lot but he doesn't want to put his life on hold even if it’s for a great girl like me.
That hurt my feelings so much that I told him I give up, but I still asked to be friends.
He agreed and hopes that maybe we can date in the future.
I don't want to date him anymore because I feel he’d be the type to break up with you if you left for a month.
Did I make the right decision?
I’m always hitting a wall when it comes to dating and he was the only guy that I felt cared about me even a little bit.
What can I do to feel better?
Confused and Doubting Myself
Feel better by enjoying yourself during these summer months with your family.
Make new friends in the new location, and date if you meet someone you like.
Your decision about this guy was spot on. You’re young, and I’m guessing he is too.
Unless you felt deep love and a commitment to a future together – and it seems neither of you did yet – it would’ve been too constraining for both of you to not date.
His view was practical, but not a put-down. He thinks you’re great, and hopes you can date again in the future.
Time will tell whether you want to do that when you return, whether you’ll prefer to just be friends… or move on.
You didn’t hit a wall with him, so don’t turn this against yourself.
I’ve been on an online dating site, met a few people in person, but am appalled at how few people want to have - or even know how to have - a real conversation.
Some tell endless details of their life story right at the start.
Some tell you hour-by-hour of their ordinary day – work, dentist, take-out dinner, etc. Bo-o-ring!!
It’s worse when it’s come-on lines about having sex, as a first “conversation.”
Only rarely, when I’ve agreed to meet someone in person, has anyone had something really interesting to say.
Otherwise, it’s showing off about what they do, or where they’ve eaten lately.
I’ve had better conversations with my grandmother - about current issues in our city and world events!
Bored Online Dater
You may be fishing in too big a pond, with the wrong bait.
Online dating sites attract so wide a mix of personalities and backgrounds that it takes skill and determination to narrow down your choices.
Also, your own profile should be specific about your interests, whether in current local events, global issues, literature, etc. since that’s your main criteria to start chatting.
You should then be able to tell from a first text whether there are any possibilities.
However, there are meet-up groups that do cater to specific interests (see meetup.com for your area).
Also, volunteer and community associations deal with particular issues, e.g. politics, the environment, etc. Some participants may be dating candidates or introduce you to some.
FEEDBACK Regarding a “convicted abuser” (June 3):
Reader – “The writer of the question said that the police were involved, the man was arrested, and he has a peace bond.
“Arrest does not equal conviction. Peace bonds are often negotiated instead of going to trial.
“A trial is not something a victim may want to go through.
“Peace bonds are not an admission of guilt, nor do they equal a conviction.
“I speak from personal experience. Three years ago, a woman made an allegation that I threatened to kill my ex-wife. I was arrested.
“Before the trial, we negotiated a peace bond and the charges were dropped.
“I have no criminal record and wasn’t convicted of any crime.
I was put through hell because of this allegation. I don’t for a second condone violence against anybody.
“Kudos to this woman for happily moving on. I wish her all the best.”
Just Wanted to Clarify
Tip of the day:
A break in dating due to being apart is sometimes a practical move, not a put-down.