After a decade of marriage, I could no longer accept my husband’s excuses when I suspected some trust issues.

I’ve finally confronted, and had confirmation from him, that he’s repeatedly cheated on me.

I’m mid-30s, and was recently diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. With the added stress of both, my mental and physical health are in shambles.

Yet he’s now angry, accusing me of having left him lonely and without passion, “forcing” him to cheat.

But he treated any intimacy I’d attempted like a chore. So, eventually I gave up. I became depressed and my health issues angered him.

I’ve found a lovely apartment as a new beginning for me. I can no longer live a lie, especially now with my future so uncertain due to my MS.

I haven't yet told him I have a place, just that I’m leaving. I’m prepared to sign over my half of our house to him.

Have I done the right thing?

Moving On

It’s no longer about who cheated, and who resisted sex. There’s no trust or emotional bond. You need to focus on your own well being, without any misguided sense of guilt.

It’s essential that you make the best possible plans for your current and future state of health, and ability to care for yourself.

I urge you to get legal and financial advice. The equitable arrangement for separating without blame and fault is to split marital assets, such as the house you own together.

Either he buys your half of the house from you, or you sell it together and split the proceeds. Check this out with a lawyer regarding divorce law in your jurisdiction.

With a diagnosis of MS, you’ll need money for the future, which may involve purchasing equipment, other medical and physical aids, services like physiotherapy, and caregiver help which can be expensive over time.

I'm 54, a divorced woman, and just met a guy online last week. He’s 61, seems like a good man. Our first date was very good. He talked a lot and I feel that I almost know his whole life story. We’re quite connected.

On the second date, he said he loves me from first sight and wants to have me for the rest of his life.

I know I need to take things slowly and time will tell if he’s the one. But I heard if a guy says he loves you on the first/second date, it’s already a red flag. Is that true? I’d like to read some of your followers sharing their love-at-first-sight story.

Too Soon?

Some people experience the instant thunderbolt, but it’s not “love.” It’s an attraction, which may become a lasting love, with time and trust.

Reality check: In the wide world of people you meet online, with little true commonality beforehand and no basis yet for trust, instant love IS a red flag that needs to be checked.

You need to take an honest, realistic look at yourself and consider what else he may “love” about you… e.g. if you own a home, have more assets than he has, a better lifestyle, etc. You also need to see where and how he lives, know more about his past and recent relationships, meet his friends and family, etc.

I encourage readers to send me their love-at-once stories and I’ll publish a selection. Hopefully they’ll include positive accounts as well as ones where being alert to red flags was absolutely crucial.

FEEDBACK #1 Regarding the woman who’s dating a man who won’t touch her or have sex with her (June 10):

Reader – “You say he makes you feel “lonelier now than I was before we started dating.” So dump him.

“He says he has Erectile Dysfunction. And so he can’t have sex or touch you because you’ll want more which he can’t give.

“But, "He has no problem getting oral sex from me."

“You said he is sexually selfish. You hit it bang on. Because, if a man has Erectile Dysfunction, he cannot get erect, so he could not be the recipient of satisfying oral sex.

“So he is also a liar.

“I hope you dump him and FAST!”

 

FEEDBACK #2

“I agree with Ellie that he may be married, or has a girlfriend. This isn’t a relationship…. he’s never around except on Saturday nights, doesn’t do anything sexually for her, just gets himself looked after.”