Recently, while out for dinner with my usual group, I noticed two of my so-called friends rolling their eyes at something I said. About an hour later, back at our friend’s house, I noticed the same two women rolling their eyes again. I was so unnerved by their rude behaviour, I grabbed my things, claimed exhaustion and left.

I mulled the scene(s) over all night long, trying to figure out what I had said that was eye-roll worthy. But I honestly have no idea. Two days later, I was having coffee with my friend who’s house we had been at and asked her what she thought. She said she had no idea what I was talking about, but I think she’s lying.

We have another dinner in two weeks, but I’m not sure I want to go. There are eight of us, so the other four will be there. But I’m still not sure I’m comfortable going. What do you suggest?

Frenemies

You never know what’s going on with other people. I suggest you attend the dinner. Call one of the other friends and go together so you feel supported. Watch the two women and see if they react similarly as to the last time you were together. If so, and you’re feeling strong, call them out. Ask them what it is that’s bothering them. Then move forward accordingly. Maybe it has nothing to do with you….

I’m the youngest of four boys and am in a situation that I don’t know what to do. My oldest brother dropped out of university in his first semester and moved to Thailand to surf. My parents weren’t happy. My second brother dropped out of university after his first year because he was failing and having too much fun living on his own. He was then forced to move back home and get a job to pay them back for a wasted year. My third brother just graduated but has a baby on the way with a woman he knew for one evening. You can imagine how my parents feel about that.

My parents are both successful high achievers; one is a doctor and the other a dentist. They have provided for us, even spoiled us, but also taught us the value of a dollar. They are beside themselves with how their three oldest boys have turned out, even though they don’t talk about it openly.

I’m in Grade 12 and heading off to university in September. I’m not sure exactly what I want to study or where I want to go. But I’m feeling pressured and stressed to prove to my parents that I’m not like my brothers, that I’m going to graduate eventually, and that I’m going to be successful.

I just don’t know how to move forward with all this pressure.

Scrutinized

Your situation is circumstantial and not personal. It’s your birth order that’s putting you in the spotlight based on the behaviour of your older siblings.

You need to sit down with your parents and have a good chat. Show your maturity by expressing your concerns. Explain that you understand that experience has led them to where they are, but you are NOT like your older brothers. You are your own person and embarking on your own path.

Remind them that you will make mistakes along the way, that your path may be curvy, but it’s your own. Ask them for their support and encouragement, and to temper their judgement. Also, ask them for help in trying to decide what path you’d like to follow. There are plenty of guidance counsellors and advisers out there.

Face your fears by talking to your parents and working together as a team.

FEEDBACK Regarding the age discrepancy (Dec. 9):

Reader – “I agree that there’s no way to control other people’s thoughts and judgements. But I wouldn’t ignore the ‘strange looks’ nor the loud ‘whisper.’

“To the first, I would stare back, shake my head and walk away. To the second, I would say something like, ‘I can’t believe you would say something like that!’ and walk away. I might even add something about my husband’s sexual prowess.

“I started going grey before I was 21. People often said I would look younger if I dyed my hair.  At first, I smiled and walked away. I stopped.

“A lady who commented too many times received this in return: ‘I don’t dye my hair because I don’t want it to look like yours!’

“These people need to be told that it’s rude and inappropriate to glare and/or make comments about the writer and her husband. Being magnanimous is highly overrated.”