I’m 35, female (no kids), working in finance, in love with a commercial artist, 25. 

We should be thinking about moving in together, but I’m worried and anxious.

His talent’s been recognized with some success, even winning awards. However, commercial artists don’t really earn a living wage; and his art career only leaves time for a part-time retail job.

His student debt is unpaid. I have a house, a car, and no debt.

If we move in together I’ll have to carry him just like his mom does now.

I’ll resent him and insist he get a better-paying job that will destroy the art that makes him happy, and attracted me.

I may also resent him because of my own unrealized artistic ambitions, which my parents made me abandon because art doesn’t pay the bills.

Isn’t there more to life than paying bills???

- Upset

You’ve already worried yourself into the doom of forecasted debt before he’s walked in the door. 

Without any discussion with your boyfriend… who may even turn out to be happy to work two jobs, just to live with you. Or not.

There are risks to taking “in love” to the next stage - which is building a life together, discussing concerns openly, and compromising. And yes, sharing finances is a risk that the higher earner may have to face.

You’re not emotionally ready for this move, especially in a tough economic climate. Let your relationship flourish longer, and encourage his art, but don’t blame him for your parents’ past directions.

My stepdaughter, 27, lived with us since age 12. I need her to move on with her own life and get out of ours. I’ve felt this way for years, and am ready to walk. 

I no longer feel the same way about my spouse. She’s a dental hygienist, finally working full time, but lives for free, her dad still pays her car insurance!

I’m tired of his guilt over BREAKING UP their family years ago; her relationship with her mother is only so-so.

Our relationship was better when my stepdaughter was younger, but I always felt stuck in the middle.

She felt competitive in her teens.

I raised a son, alone, since I was 17.

I want my wife to be similarly independent, but she depends on her father. She plays him, and I see through it, which is why we’re not close.

- Ready to Go

You’ve blamed a longstanding marriage conflict - his guilt, your resentment – on this girl. 

If, instead, you’d recognized that her teen years as a less-than-welcome step-daughter were hardest on her, you’d have worked on her feeling secure within your household and family.

Nevertheless, you can take some credit for helping her achieve a career.

Now, it’s time for positive, supportive action. If you leave without trying to help her move on, the years will feel wasted, father and daughter will lose respect for you, and I suspect you’ll feel empty instead of satisfied.

Insist that you and your wife plan how to help her move, then discuss it with her. You should be upbeat and encouraging about helping her find a place to live, and working out what she can afford from her salary (not Dad).

Then present a time-line, which is reasonable for the task ahead.

If none of this is agreeable to either one, state clearly that you now believe they are doing her a disservice through dependency and you can no longer take part, or stay around while they dither.

My husband of 24 years has a roving eye, worse in recent years. His denial and intimidating tactics have prevented our dealing with it. 

Twice recently, at dinner, he ogled women, one sitting right beside us.

He ignores what I’m saying, more concerned about what’s happening around us. He always chooses a chair with a view, to look around while I’m reading the menu.

I’m attractive, well groomed, have a good figure and am a good conversationalist.

How can I get through to him how hurtful and disrespectful this is?

- Night-out Nightmares

You don’t mention your assertiveness and self-respect. Bring those two features to the table and tell Wandering Eye he either focuses on you or eats alone when you walk out. 

He can’t intimidate you if you don’t let him.

Some men are incurable admirers of women, but the best of them know how to bring their appreciation home.