My man’s mother suffered a stroke; he’s now her primary caregiver, which I fully support. 

Despite two years together, I still haven’t met his mother, or any other family member. She refuses to accept our relationship or even meet me. I’m unsure why.

He rarely has time to see me anymore. I feel my relationship is hanging by a thread.

My partner loves us both, yet feels torn between us. I’d never ask him to choose. I want to be with him, as well as be involved in his mother’s life. He feels the same way.

He’s confronted his mother several times but she rejects anything he says. I’m scared he may leave me. We don’t see how our not being together will benefit her.

How can we be together with or without his mother’s acceptance?

- Discouraged in Ottawa

She’s a controlling mother, since long before her illness. Now, though her needs are genuine, she has an even greater emotional hold. 

He needs to take charge of his own life, or you’re the one who’ll eventually leave. There are options: He can hire a part-time caregiver, and/or enlist other family members to help.

But his crucial step towards a life of his own has to be to tell his mother directly that you are his chosen partner. If she won’t accept this, there are consequences – his role must change to become the manager of other caregivers for her.

If he cannot make any changes to extricate himself from his mother’s hold, he’s not your “man,” but a Mama’s boy, who’s not free.

I’m early-50s, in a committed relationship with a man, 60, for 13 years. 

I’ve discovered his affair with an 80-year-old woman whom he’d befriended four years ago. They started a secret romance when her partner died suddenly in January. He took her to casinos, her social events, church, etc.

During the past two years, I had many losses of family and jobs, went into a depression and withdrew attention from my boyfriend.

We went on vacation last January; I discovered he was planning this same vacation with the older woman. When confronted, he denied anything but friendship between them.

The woman contacted me, calling him a liar, claiming they were sexually intimate.

We’ve been going to couples counselling. The counsellor believes that theirs was a spiritual relationship and that he can still contact her. She said it’s the 30-year age difference that makes this so devastating to me.

He says he wants to work it out and that he’ll be there for me always. Things are 100 per cent better, but I still have doubts.

I still don’t know the whole truth. He swears nothing happened, she says different.

- Decision Time

The truth is in the details: You do need to know more about this friendship in order to try and get past it. Even if “spiritual,” you’re entitled to know the where, when and how of their involvement. 

Listen closely to “why.” If he felt lonely and neglected during those two years, you may gain understanding why he responded to this woman’s neediness (needy enough that she could be exaggerating).

Give the counselling process time, and stop dwelling on the age difference; she was available, you were remote.

However, further contact with this woman is unfair to both her and you. You and your partner need to focus on being sensitive to each other’s feelings.

I have a crush on a girl whom lots of guys hang around (including me); they’re of the same race as her (I’m not). We became friends through discussing our university assignments in a group. 

She doesn’t know my feelings. I say hi, chat with her, and even took pictures with her, but since she’s always around guys I worry about “line-crossing” even though I’ve also befriended most of them.

- Confused

There seems to be no “line” on friendship, so try to take this to a next step by suggesting a group of you go out – something casual, maybe a movie, even just for a pizza. See how she reacts to you in the group and whether there’s any tension from the guys or her. 

If not, call her to chat and get to know each other better. Her reaction will let you know if she’s open to this.