My wife of 15 years began gambling six years ago; we have one child. She'd blow her entire cheque, and then take it out on us. I should've taken a stand earlier and tried getting her help. Soon I was paying every bill, doing all the grocery shopping (I couldn't trust giving her money) and taking care of every financial aspect of the household. 

I recently lost my job and thought she'd step up and help. Was I wrong! My whole unemployment check still goes for paying all the house bills etc., while most of her paycheck supports her gambling.

I love her, and hoped to grow old together, but I'm resentful and jealous that she gets to avoid financial obligations and these fall all on my shoulders alone. What's a man to do?

- Frankly Fed-up

Your former acceptance of both her gambling addiction and your indulgence suggests a co-dependency that you need to confront - not only with her but within yourself. See the web site for www.gamblersanonymous.org, to find local meetings for your wife, and for you as affected-family (even if she won’t go). 

Besides finding others who can offer support, you need information on how to legally distance yourself from her debts, and proven strategies for either her recovery or dealing with her refusal to stop. But be frank with her: 1) you want to help her end this destructive habit; 2) you resent her taking advantage of you; 3) you can no longer afford or wish to carry her financially.

If she ignores all such warnings, get legal advice.

My mother was once sure that my father was having an affair - not necessarily physical - with his female client. He denied everything, but there were misleading signals. He took me to see this other woman several times, occasionally with her family there (he invited my mother but she would refuse). 

The client’s weekly professional visits disturbed my mother, and therefore myself. I believed there was an imminent divorce, yet felt my mother was overreacting.

One year later, I’d heard nothing of her, but, in searching my father’s open email, I found many past emails from her, with sexual messages and naked pictures of herself. He’d never replied. I never confronted him.

My parents currently are much happier, but it’s taken years for my mother to trust my father again. I feel stuck, because I don’t know what happened.

Should I ask either or both, or should I see a counsellor and learn how to deal with this confusion and anger I feel towards my father?

I can never completely respect and love him, nor move on; it has been years.

- Stuck Between

Your parents’ past relationship is far too enmeshed in your thinking for your own emotional health. 

Yes, you should see a counsellor to probe why you’ve gotten “stuck” in the middle of their story – one that may even have been the result of this woman pushing yourself at your father without his responding in kind. Unfortunately, it was imprinted on you by your mother, using you – inappropriately – as her listening post.

Even if it was an “affair” that they’ve worked past, it should no longer be troubling you to the point of adopting your mother’s past anger, as your own.

For the sake of your living a fulfilling, independent adult life, plus having healthy relationships of your own, you need to separate from your parents’ history, with professional help.

My boyfriend of two years and I have a great relationship. I hope we’ll marry, and I think he does also. But he’s two years younger than me so we don’t discuss it much as I don’t want to scare him.  

He’s currently studying away from home. I’m planning to go to a school I really want to attend, for two years in Australia. I’m afraid this will make the relationship too hard to continue. He says we’ll make it work.

- Your Thoughts?

Ending your plans to attend the Australian school will really scare him! It’d practically pressure him to accept that you’re on a marriage track, before he’s ready to make that committment himself. 

Be the woman you are and whom he loves – independent but loving, ambitious but loyal. He’s already promised to try to make it work; hanging around waiting for a ring won’t make it happen sooner.