Dear Readers: A May 26 column item involved porn; the writer described discovering her husband’s habit of surfing teen porn, he promised to stop. But, after repeated lies and continued porn-watching, she didn’t trust him, it was “breaking her down mentally.”

I said the “problem” was now her insecurity – she’d started doubting her attractiveness, mistrusting him with women, and even worrying about her daughter, 8. If he didn’t stop, she should leave him. “Stop checking his computer, and trust him... until you have even a hint that there’s a problem again. You can’t risk your children, or your own peace of mind, by living with suspicions and monitoring.”

Here’s some of your feedback:

* Do you know how many happily married people surf porn, including women? 

No, I don’t know, because happy porn-watching couples don’t write me; but a large percent of my letters come from the person who’s NOT happy, for whatever reasons, though often based on insecurity. 

In happy couples, both partners compromise on things that disturb the other.

I wonder why you let this go unchallenged: “I twice caught him checking out other women.” ALL men check out other women, even gays. 

Heck even women check out other women.

You’re correct, that it’s common, usually harmless behaviour. But when there’s already mistrust in the air, it adds to the tension.

Did you say you can’t risk your children around a man who views porn? What is truly perverted is your fear-mongering ignorance.

I answered the writer’s specific concerns: SHE no longer trusted her husband, because he’d lied about porn use previously, reneged on his promise to stop, and didn’t respond to her increased anxiety. And SHE raised fears about her daughter. 

I told her to trust him, unless and until she had more hint of trouble. The “risk” to her children was clearly that she and they were living in a household affected by her suspicions.

Men are aroused by… and are universally fascinated by pornography. It’s common to all cultures and has a long history. There’s no need for women to get so bent out of shape from an activity that they may not appreciate but could learn to understand is normal for males. 

The appeal of erotica is universal. I do not refer to unspeakable acts of violent sex, child abuse etcetera that are repulsive and abhorrent to all well adjusted persons in all lands and all times.

Thank you for an informed, and well-reasoned response. 

I believe most women, including myself, understand the appeal of erotica, and are attracted to some aspects.

Watching or reading pornography becomes a problematic issue, when it dominates a person’s free time, interferes with intimacy, or exploits children.

For consenting adult couples that find it a mutual turn-on, it’s their private business… which is why they’re not the ones who write me.

Here’s another new question on porn, as example:

My husband and I, are both mid-50s, both first-time married, for five years. 

He’s frequently on porno sites while I sleep or go out. I don’t mind it occasionally, but this happens even on the day we’ve had sex. So I don’t feel like having intimacy anymore, as I feel he’s disrespectful.

Raising this subject is very difficult. I’ve been considering divorce.

- Desperate

Discussion is crucial: Say that you feel disrespected and it interferes with your sexual feelings. 

Encourage him to speak up… perhaps you both need ways to spark more passion. Consider seeing a marital therapist together to learn how to talk about and create more intimacy.

My co-worker is an incessant whistler, and not a good one. He constantly blows out three “songs” - the same ones repeatedly - which sound more like scratchy noise. It distracts my attention when I’m trying to concentrate, slows down my work, and drives me nuts after a couple of hours. 

We’re in a small office so I can’t move far away. Also, he’s already a grouchy and reactive guy, so telling him to stop will make working together even more difficult.

- Whistle-weary

Two choices: Wear ear-phones and listen to your own selections of soothing music; or buy small ear-plugs to mute all distracting noises. 

Your co-worker will undoubtedly notice, but you don’t have to make explanations other than to smile and say you work better this way.

If he figures it out, there’s no need for bad feelings between you, as you’ve said nothing about his whistling being annoying.