My wife of 12 years has been in denial about her low sex drive ever since we dated.
It's like I married a lesbian. I'm going insane over it.
It's not her fault that her brain or body doesn't have the chemical makeup or level of hormones needed for her to have any sexual desire.
But what really hurts is that I feel she lies to me about it, saying that if I'd only be more this or do more of that…. I've done it all: massages, love notes, baby sitters,
BMW, big house, exercise, muscles, date nights, weekends away, island getaways, etc. She’s run out of things that "I'm not doing" or "need to do better."
I feel betrayed. I've worked so hard over the years.
She doesn't know the impact this has on me. She thinks I can just live without it.
What should I do?
Drop the “lesbian” reference, it’s uninformed, and insulting to gay women and your wife, too.
She has low libido, and the two of you have been in a useless power struggle about it, instead of addressing it as a couples’ problem.
I appreciate that you’ve tried to woo her, but because the efforts have evolved into an escalating “gimme” game on both sides (a BMW for more frequent sex?), they were wasted trade-offs.
Instead, decide whether you both want to stay together enough to work on this as a team.
First, she must see her doctor for a medical check - testing hormone levels and considering treatment options, if necessary.
Following that, you need to see a sex therapist together, to learn approaches and techniques to lovemaking that can increase passion and satisfaction.
I’m planning my second wedding, which will be small, involving just family.
I’m so fortunate that I’ve met the man of my dreams, who’s amazing in all respects.
My children are excited for us, and his family is thrilled.
My family, however, is not being at all supportive. I have an awful suspicion that they probably won't come to my wedding.
I feel that they don't have to like what I'm doing, but because I'm their only child, they should be happy that I'm content with the way my life has turned out.
We’re no longer on speaking terms, because of their very vocal opinion of how I live my life. Yet I can't imagine getting married without my parents being present.
Should I just let it be the way it is, and hope that they come to their senses eventually?
Sorry to differ, but it’s not so “wise” to want something to happen and do nothing about it. It’s because you ARE so content and have great support from your children and others that you can afford emotionally to take the high road in this relationship and be the one to break the silence with your parents.
Go to them, and tell them how much you value their presence at this important event. Explain that your finding a great partner means that everything they put into raising you now has its fruition in a happy life in which you hope they’ll participate. Say that you also want them to be involved with their grandchildren.
If they don’t budge at all from there is approval and distance, then you can say you’re the wise one who’s done all you can.
My wife has a private mailbox at Mailboxes Etcetera but she lies and says she’s stopped using it.
However, creditors keep calling the house and reveal that the box is where the bills are mailed.
What type of lawyer do I need and what are my other options?
We have one daughter, starting her senior year of college in the fall.
My wife has stolen money from her and my uncle.
Seeing that she’s not going to stop, terminating this marriage is my only true option.
- Fed Up in Illinois
For the sake of your daughter, and hopefully to save your wife from her spending addiction and potential for a criminal offence, insist on financial counselling together as a condition of staying together.
But if you’ve definitely decided on divorce, then you need a family law specialist, and possibly a forensic accountant, too, to follow her spending and ”stealing” trail.
Tip of the day:
Low libido is a problem that both partners need to address with intention, not blame.