My fiancé of seven years has two sons who live with us every other week; I have two daughters whom I see every other weekend. 

Recently, my fiance’s eldest, 18, announced that he’ll be living with his father full-time. We’d just purchased a four-bedroom home. Now, we’d like to convert his bedroom into a guest room.

Are we sending him the “wrong” message by changing his bedroom so quickly?

- The Right Thing?

Cancel any “makeover” drapes and duvet. He wants to identify more with his father, and perhaps have fewer siblings to compete with for attention. 

But he may also need more recognition as the eldest, which your current house rules may not acknowledge. So keep his bedroom door open, and the room welcoming to him.

Make it clear he can have a “sleepover” any time, and that he can change his mind, anytime.

If he stays with dad over a year, and seems settled, ask how he feels about your letting guests stay there - requiring little more than a bed change - until you’re sure he’s not going to be more than an occasional “guest” himself.

My daughter finished high school, partied and lost jobs, then moved far away. 

She’s matured, decided to become a firefighter.

Recently, she got serious with a high-school dropout, 18 (she’s 20), and moved in with his unstable parents (drug abuse, depression and anger). They repeatedly kick them out.

She knows she can move back with us, but without him. She’s returning until school starts; they broke up. However, he’s been kicked out again, so they’re getting an apartment together.

He’s an angry kid, while she’s now got good plans and a positive outlook. I’ve suggested options – e.g. she moves home, we help him find a place with roommates, she moves here and he visits later etc.

What can I do to help her ditch the dead weight?

- Frustrated in Kitchener

Maturity brought compassion – she’s trying to help this guy and too much interference will turn her off. Show trust and pride in her turnaround, and understanding for her wanting to help another “lost” soul. 

Gently, ask the questions that may help her conclude that it may take much more than she can give for him to gain personal responsibility, and his leaning on her won’t help.

Your options are reasonable; if you show willingness to help him get started on his own, without labeling him “dead weight,” she’ll see their merit. Work with her, but not against him.

I’m 42, recently separated after four years married, with a child, age 3. 

My husband said he didn’t want to be married to me any longer, that the house is his since I didn’t financially contribute. I’d worked part-time, night shift and weekends. I paid my personal debt, and bought food – he gave me nothing to run the household.

He says our arguments eroded his love. Yet I’d infrequently raised the same issues about the load of household chores that I carried alone.

Ellie, after being humiliated, seeing a therapist, seeing him so different, I still want things to work out.

- Why?

You’ve been shocked – by rejection, injustice, upheaval. You want to return to the familiar past, without acknowledging what it cost you. 

This man is mean-spirited, self-centered, and uncompromising; he only wanted a housekeeper and compliant partner.

See a lawyer about an appropriate financial settlement, and child support. Then, set your sights on a better life for yourself and child.

I’m 50-plus, the oldest of three adult offspring, and experienced physical and emotional abuse that’s persisted with ongoing poor treatment from my family, especially my parents. 

I’ve tried estrangement, therapy, mending fences, to no avail. I want closure to my pain but wonder if I’d feel additional grief and guilt once my parents die, or tremendous relief.

How does one move on permanently?

- Bottom of the Litter

Continue therapy until you fully understand that a change of attitude rests with you, not your family. 

Separation from the past comes from recognizing that though they were limited, unkind, or even intentionally perverse, you have the power and right to declare them toxic to your well being.

Try to create a new “family” – even if small - of people you trust. Pursue interests you enjoy. Consider volunteering with less fortunate people, and/or attending a faith community for support and broader concerns outside yourself.