I recently read a "sent" email from my husband to my sister, revealing his unhappiness with my current state of unemployment.

His message to her was very harsh about me. Six months previously I'd read a message that claimed I was a nutcase but noted he had complete faith in my sister. I consider their emotional involvement at this level a type of affair (not a sexual one). I'd sensed his changed attitude which is why I randomly checked his account, only twice, and months apart.

I emailed my sister and husband what I'd discovered and expressed my sense of betrayal. He barely responded. My sister emailed back that I'm a bully and a control freak.

My husband later apologized, but sounded insincere. Nothing's resolved and I'm angry and hurt that he didn't really respond or defend me.

I'm unemployed because I went back to school last year, to re-train myself. I'm now a certified teacher but the market's hard to break into. It didn't cost the family anything, because I had re-training funds set aside. I'm now taking upgrading courses, volunteering in schools, and on the parent board, plus managing the household and children's schedules.

I've always held a well-paying job, but wanted a change and to do something more meaningful. My previous jobs have been significant financial contributors - paying off our home, funding vacations, etc. My husband apparently feels I should've accepted positions in my own field, since a teaching position hasn't opened up.

He's a great dad and was previously a good husband, but this back-stabbing affects my trusting him. Trust has always been an issue, since he works for his father who controls his salary. I endured years of his getting bounced pay cheques and having business purchases made on personal credit cards, then go unpaid for years.

It's caused me a lot of stress over the years. I have a hard time letting things go - obviously, from the above re-hash of events. I know I was wrong in reading his messages but my hunch was correct. How do I resolve this sense of betrayal? What can I do if he isn't willing to go to counselling?

Betrayed

The crucial message of your long account is this: relationship issues, if unresolved, grow into huge resentments. Then, when there's a shift in how one partner behaves, or presents him/herself, the reaction of both partners overshadows the shift itself.

You and your husband have let your differences fester. With you earning well and stably-employed, and he controlled by family, both of you had emotions and pride involved, but didn't learn to talk things out.

Now a shift on your part has him uncomfortable and reaching out, while your sister clearly has her own sibling issues. Your "change" of vocation was a way for you to sidestep the problems in the marriage and show greater personal independence. That has him worried.

It's all about poor communication between you two, and not facing up to your real problems, not the recent "betrayal."

If you want to stay together, you must let go of old stories. Get counselling yourself, if he won't go. Decide whether you're In or Out, whether to wait for a job, or get one sooner. And stop reading his email. It was his private venting.

You can rise above all this and try to really improve your marriage. Or else continue with improving your own life... this standoff may make it necessary.

My husband of 11 years has mood swings, becoming withdrawn, angry, and sullen. Recently he said he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to stay married. But I love him deeply and want to at least try and fix this. He's adamant that it's not fixable.

If I give him his space, will it help? Or should I be resigned to it being over? I feel physically ill by this thought.

Heartbroken

Define "space." If he wants to move out, it's a "trial separation" at the least, and you need a legal understanding of what it means financially, regarding any children, your marital home, etc.

Encourage him to see his doctor, since this could be part of a deep depression for which he needs help. Don't respond to his negative comments. Instead, be prepared for the break-up if it comes. You need to stay healthy and able to manage on your own.