I met my American boyfriend on an extended vacation; I live in Canada. After months of travelling together we returned to our homes, planning that when one got a good job the other would go there.

He's 40-something, had been laid off repeatedly and had struggled to find a good job for several years. He lost his savings on the stock market and lives with his parents.

I waited six months for him to seriously seek work, then took a well-paying job in Canada. My employer offered him a job interview; this made him stressed and angry, saying it was "just an opportunity to fail."

Even filling out the job application depressed him because his work experience is out of date. He asked for help getting a visa so that he could be with me and the recruiter sneered. He didn't get a job.

I sent him a job posting in his field and he said it's illegal for him to look for a job in Canada (not true).

He's so afraid of rejection and so unsure of his own abilities that he finds excuses for why he shouldn't look for work. He's talking about going on vacation again.

He refuses to join me and search for work or re-train here. He's not the happy, confident, loving person I met although I still get my hopes up. Or am I deluding myself?

Frustrated

Say goodbye, he'll be drifting again soon. If he wanted to work, he'd have found something back home. If his priority were to join you, he'd have done so. He's lost and unless you want years of heartache and dashed hopes, let him be on his own, and hopefully one day he'll find himself.

Joining him anywhere would be disastrous, unless he regains independence and self-worth.

My husband of five years swears he loves me but is unwilling to discuss problems, or go to counselling. We're both 38.

There's almost no sex; he was never passionate, but I didn't mind when we dated as I'd had lots of guys just out for sex, and appreciated that he just wanted to be with me.

He goes drinking with a few friends most nights. I can't get him to take me to dinner or a movie; if I drag him to see my friends, he just hangs around me.

How can I get him to realize we need major changes in our relationship before we have children and life gets more complicated?

Wit's End

Face reality: he may never change. To stay together, you'd have to accept a life with no intimacy nor close communication, a drinking lifestyle, and no outside stimulation and recreation unless you go out alone. If you dislike it now, you'll hate it soon.

Unless he responds to a dramatic wake-up call, this man's unlikely to be your husband for much longer. But since you're the one who'll want to leave, you should go for counselling yourself NOW.

With professional guidance, you'll be able to think through why you chose this man, what kind of strategies may get him to talk about problems, and how to decide your own future if he still won't talk.

Be aware that your husband is an alcoholic, which is why he's so fixated on his drinking routine and bar buddies. It'd help you to attend a local Al-Anon session and to join a support group, to hear how others handle this situation. The knowledge gained is worthwhile even if you separate.

I'm 50 and suffered from depression since I was a teen. It's an illness and somewhat similar to diabetes in that you can control it with medication, and help yourself with lifestyle changes.

I dropped out of high school and college courses when young, tried to return to school but kept falling into major depression. Doctors then weren't that good at diagnosing and treating depression. My current doctor has helped me a lot - I'm stabilized and working on a college degree.

To readers who write about being depressed: They should see their doctor and not feel that a diagnosis of depression will make people judge them poorly.

Been There

By sharing your personal experience - and the eventual achievement of well-managed mental health - you provide hope to many. The only negative judgment on seeking medical and psychological help for depression comes from people who are ignorant.