My spouse of 16 years had sex with someone she met on the Internet. While it was only a one-night stand, it bothered me immensely. I felt inadequate and depressed for a long time.

She didn't have sex with anyone else, but had other online relationships. She asked for a divorce. I asked her to stay.

Two years later, I'm pretty sure the other guys are completely out of the picture. I've lost a lot of weight and feel like myself again. She constantly says she loves me. I see her differently and often hesitate to reply.

I don't feel comfortable sharing as we did before. Now I have a filter. We still have oral sex, but not vaginal sex; she says it hurts. She goes rigid when we do have sex.

How is it she can have sex with a stranger if it "hurts" so much? I wonder if it was rape and she's afraid of telling me or reporting it to the police.

She's uninterested in other options or counseling. Everything else is good except sex. She's happy with a non-sexual relationship. I'm not. I’ve started going to body-rub parlors - no sex, just sensual touching. But I still want sex.

I want to get back to having a normal relationship.

Everything’s Changed

You’re both stalled in your tracks. You haven’t forgiven her, she’s gone rigid, she hurts physically and emotionally (possible signals of “date rape”), and your sense of security’s still smashed.

You’re both letting the negative backwash drown possibilities for moving forward.

Talk to her. Tell her that you care about her health, and about your relationship becoming normal again.

Tell her you worry that she had an experience she’s afraid to reveal. But it’s more important for your life together and her well being, for her to see a doctor about why sex has become painful.

Talk about mutual hurt – yours to your manhood, hers from whatever was the original cause of her straying.

Tell her that marriage counselling together may be your only hope for both of you to heal.

My boyfriend of over two years now and I have a strong relationship.

He met a girl at graduate school; she was always hanging around us. I could tell he was attracted to her.

Eventually confronted, he admitted to having feelings for her, and suggested that we be in an open relationship.

I refused, he suggested a break, and had sex with her that night.

After breaking for a couple months, we reconnected. He’d changed drastically - no longer flirtatious with others and becoming fully trustworthy.

The girl is long gone and we’ve never been closer, yet I still feel sick about what happened. When I raise it, he feels I don’t trust him. But I feel destructive and overwhelmed.

Do I keep it to myself, or take another course of action?

Stuck in It

It’s over, he’s trustworthy. Ask yourself why you’re “stuck?” If you can’t answer easily, look at your own past – were you betrayed in a previous relationship?

Think of your models from childhood – such as, if someone in your family played around.

And ask yourself if the belief system you formed in younger years is blocking you from his apologies, and the reassuring changes in his behaviour.

If your old mantra was, “I could never accept even one act of infidelity,” re-examine it in light of who you are today, who he is, and how he’s proven himself since that one lapse.

I’ve known my “first love” for four years, with many ups and downs. We saw each other everyday.

Suddenly, we stopped talking. I thought he was gone for good. So I found a new guy on a dating site.

He recently went away. Soon after, there were Facebook and Twitter messages from my ex - he couldn't stop thinking about me and wants us to get back together.

I’ll always love him. But the other guy’s sweet and new.

Confused Girl

Take a break from both guys. The “ex” who comes and goes needs to know that’s unacceptable. He’s either ready to be a committed boyfriend, or needs time to mature (pretty likely).

Same for you. Hurrying things with “Sweet Guy” is foolish. He may be another up-and-down type, because that’s what you’ve been attracted to before.

Date others, and learn to recognize what makes someone a good choice for you.