Ever since high school, my best guy friend and I had a back-up plan. We were together constantly then, always laughing, finishing each other’s sentences, totally compatible.

We didn’t “date” each other in the high-school sense of being exclusive and having sex, but everyone treated us as a couple, expecting one of us to bring the other along to any event or party.

We each dated others but never for too long, because we always missed the comfort of being together. And one of us usually had a girlfriend or boyfriend who didn’t believe we weren’t fooling around.

We’re both mid-20s now, have each graduated from separate universities, and got jobs in different cities (only five hours apart by car). We’ve always kept in contact and visited each other a couple of times a year, but lately there was a long period, like six months, when he was distant, “busy with work,” etc.

I’ve just heard that he’s engaged! He hasn’t told me himself, and I’m so hurt and shocked at this betrayal of our close friendship. He’d just mentioned our “back-up plan” last year, saying that, by age 30, we better act on it if we want marriage and a family.

I don’t even know what to say to him.

Devastated Back-Up

Start with “Congratulations.” Close friends have the right to fall in love, no matter what high-school pacts were made.

He’s ready for marriage and a family…. that’s what he hinted on the last reference. Meanwhile, you live and work miles apart, and neither of you has pushed for a more romantic connection and changing locales to be together as a couple.

Yes, he should’ve told you he’s met the woman he wants to marry, but maybe he knew you were still lost in teenage daydreams about the future, and wanted to avoid this very reaction of yours.

Wish him well. Then start thinking about what kind of partner and relationship you want at this age, so your future can start taking shape.

Why do I attend the family’s Thanksgiving Dinner when it always turns out disastrous for me? There’s so much competition and jealousy between my two sisters and me, and our mother seems to enjoy fanning it!

The deterioration of the family scene into backbiting and insults takes less than hour, whether it’s a Thanksgiving Fiasco or Christmas Shambles.

I’m attractive, very successful, have close friends. BUT I’m single at 31. My sisters are married, and have children. They present their families like trophies, compared to my “failure to have a meaningful life.”

They see me as selfish, a loser, and by dessert, I feel that way, too. Mom just looks away, which is the most hurtful.

Can I cut ties, and skip Christmas and all other gatherings, or does that confirm that I’m a loser who can’t measure up?

The Other Sister

Change the scene. Examples: Bring a close friend to the dinner (ask ahead but insist). Or, suggest that this year you’re hosting a Christmas brunch, as you’ll be away for their dinner (again, invite a friend or two for support).

Yes, one year you can escape to a Caribbean island as “your only week for vacation this year,” but you don’t repeatedly hide from family events - unless they’re so toxic to you that it’s a necessity for your well being.

Until then, be optimistic and keep up your sense of self-worth. Some families can be “retrained” to appreciate a different lifestyle, others can’t.

It’s worth a try.

My two closest buddies are very important to me. But my girlfriend feels I spend too much time with them, and it’s our biggest battle. I say, I live with her, sleep with her, and take care of house stuff, etc. with her. So why is going out with them such a big deal? We do stuff she doesn’t like, go to a bar, shoot pool.

Buddy Bonds

Your life with your girlfriend sounds more about routine, while your time with your pals seems to be for fun, entertainment, and relaxation.

She’d like to enjoy that lighter part of life with you, too. Do something with her she does like, outside the home – a movie, dinner out, whatever.

She needs to feel at least as important to you as the guys are. That’s the way relationships usually work best. When your partner knows she’s No. 1, she’ll be less concerned about your time with friends.