FEEDBACK Regarding your reply, "If your safety is threatened, leave first and weigh the relationship afterward," (Sept. 22):

Reader – “This is excellent timely advice now that violence against women and domestic violence are talked about more openly.

“Many women suffer in silence and/or lose their lives to domestic violence, here and all over the world.

“I’m a survivor in Ontario who lives in fear, and with a disabling condition from the abuse I experienced. (I had to get divorced, the abuse was so intolerable!)

“It isn't that easy to pick up and leave. If you’re living alone because the abuser left, it's still not easy for many women to relocate.

“It's more complicated and difficult than people realize, and many don't understand the fear involved.

“Also, sometimes things just develop over time, till they become more dangerous for these women.

“There’s even a group of men I was warned about who stalk abused women and network among themselves. I believe this has happened and I also witnessed it with a friend who was going through the same thing.

“There’s a push that I've seen in the media for new Domestic Violence Victim Advocates across Canada. Currently there are not enough of these for women to access.

“Our Chief Justice Beverley McLachlin is urging for the overhaul of the family court system as she said it was wrongly designed to be combative, putting the domestic violence victim at further risk, and allowing them to be further taken advantage of.

“I’ve had a lot of counselling on the cumulative physical, verbal, and mental abuse and threats that I suffered, and have been told to find my voice, but to stay safe.

“Mostly now it's just to stay safe, due to ongoing symptoms, the threats I’ve received, etc.

“Domestic violence happens to women and girls of all ages, from all cultures, and all walks of life. These changes are very hopeful to the many women here who suffer from this and who will in the future.”

Survivor’s Story

 

My mom runs her own hairdressing business but hasn't been keeping proper accounting books, paying taxes, pension contributions, etc.

She’s almost 50 and has nothing in savings/retirement accounts and doesn’t own her own house.

She's convinced that her boyfriend of five years is going to take care of her.

However, they don’t live together, and they haven't even mentioned “love” to each other.

This man is very nice, but not interested in commitment. His two previous relationships lasted over a decade each, just dating.

I'm worried. She also doesn’t take care of herself physically or emotionally. I feel like her lack of planning is going to fall on me (the only child). How can I motivate her to be more realistic?

Worried Daughter

Show that your greater concern is about her, and not about how you will be affected. Do your research first, so your conversation is about facts and realities.

Explain what can happen when the taxman catches up with her and she’s found to owe thousands of dollars. It’d mean losing any assets she might have by then.

It also means that any man “taking care of her” would likely run rather than get involved with her debt.

However, if she starts getting her books in order now, and begins making pension contributions, she can improve her situation somewhat.

Also, find her a bookkeeper who can help her organize her records from now on, or the task will overwhelm her.

I'm a girl, 13. At a dance last night, I met this amazing guy in my grade who’s really sweet and caring.

We slow-danced twice and both times he held me close. But after each time we danced, he quickly moved away. The second time he actually left but told his dad to wait so he could dance with me.

Why did he leave after the first time? Does he like me?

P.S I didn't get his number because he left so quickly.

Dancing Girl

He left quickly because 1) he’s 13, an age in which boys are usually even shyer than girls about “liking” someone.

2) He knew his father was coming and didn’t want him to come into the dance and see him with someone.

Yes, he likes you, which is why he danced with you again.

Instead of getting his phone number, smile, and say hello when you see him, to start a friendship.