My son’s wife has disallowed us from seeing our two-year-old granddaughter and we have no idea why. I have tried to talk to my daughter-in-law, but she refuses to engage. My wife went over with cupcakes but was refused entry. I finally got my son to agree to meet me for lunch and talk. Unfortunately, my definition of talking and his are clearly not aligned.

I asked him why his wife won’t speak to us. He wouldn’t say. I asked why we can’t see our granddaughter. He wouldn’t say. I said I was confused. If he could meet me, then why couldn’t they? I tried to explain to him that we, his parents and the grandparents of his child, want nothing but their happiness and health, and that we love them all.

I also tried to impress upon him that we are not perfect human beings and that if we had done something to offend anyone, we would love to know what it was so that we could apologize, understand and refrain from doing it again. Nothing.

My son and his wife are adults, and if they don’t want a relationship with my wife and I, that’s their choice. I can only apologize for my mistakes and do better, but I can’t force them to change. But I don’t see how keeping their child from us is beneficial to anyone.

Thoughts?

Denied Grandparents

I’m so sorry you’re going through this period with your son and his family. Hopefully it will resolve soon. Without knowing their side of the story, I believe that trying to communicate with both is and was the right thing to do. Your wife made a healthy outreach, as did you. Perhaps your wife would have some luck if she had a quiet lunch with her son alone.

But I agree with you that your grandchild shouldn’t miss out by being caught in the crossfire of an argument she had nothing to do with. Unless your son and his wife feel that you behaved or said something that was detrimental to the child. But you won’t know unless they tell you.

In the meantime, I recommend starting a journal for your granddaughter. If worst case scenario, the parents keep you apart for a lengthy period, she’ll grow up not knowing you and wondering why you didn’t want to be a part of her life. And she will only hear the narrative from her parents’ point of view.

Write to her in this journal. Tell her about you, your day, things you would have liked to do with her on that day. If they don’t allow you contact on her birthday, write her a card and paste a picture of the gift you would have bought her if you were allowed. Take photos of your home, you and your wife, your pets if you have any and stick them in this journal. That way, when the time comes, your granddaughter will know that you always loved her and wanted to be part of her life.

It doesn’t matter that she’s only two, and hopefully this issue will get resolved quickly. But in the meantime, you have an outlet for your love. I’m so sorry for the pain you must be feeling.

Is there a reason why I can’t use “it” as a pronoun? If someone wants to be referred to as “they” and I have trouble with that because to me, “they” is plural, why can’t I utilize a gender-free singular pronoun, such as, “it?”

Linguistics

You shouldn’t substitute “they” with “it” because “it” usually refers to an inanimate object and therefore is considered inappropriate and disrespectful to use in reference to a human being.

FEEDBACK Regarding the office toilet odour (Dec. 17):

Reader – “Management could install an oversized exhaust fan, that comes on automatically with the lights.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the husband “bothering” his wife to go on a date (Dec. 18):

Reader #1– “Does she know how lucky she is? I was in a similar situation. My husband always put the children before us and our relationship/intimacy died. I stayed with him for various reasons, and now as seniors, we have nothing.

“GO!  Enjoy each other’s company! He obviously cares.”

Reader #2 – “Keep ignoring him and in a few years, she will be writing in that her husband no longer pays attention to her. Or that he may be starting to look elsewhere.

“My general philosophy is that you don’t know until you try.  She may, probably will, find such a break mentally and physically relaxing.  Plus, it can keep the spark alive.”