Thinking About Divorce was a popular online chat with a wide range of questions and comments. Some leftovers from it (Sept. 14):

After a divorce, how do you deal with an ex-mother-in-law who thinks she has more rights to my son than I do? My ex, instead of spending time with his son on his access days, goes away on vacation. Instead of leaving the child with me (I have first right of refusal), he leaves him with his mother. She knows I have first rights but keeps my son with her anyways.

Besides the legal issue, there's the emotional one regarding your son. If he's happy with his grandmother and feels bonding with his father's side, you should speak openly to her and "allow" it sometimes, to relieve any tension your child might feel from your anger. If it's not a comfortable time for him, get your lawyer onto this.

He keeps trying to make me look like the bad mom now. Our oldest daughter used to tell me I needed to leave him. She, herself, couldn't put up with him. Now that the kids live with me, he doesn't have any rules with them and tries to spoil them when he sees them. He doesn't make much effort to see them that often. I'm tired of having to defend myself against his "attacks," which can be so subtle at times, but so piercing.

Kids are smarter than you realize and know what kind of mother you are, also what kind of father he is. But they don't want to hear either the attacks or defense, so try to ignore him. Be reassuring to the kids; don't fall into his pattern of using them to get back at him.

My first husband (married nine years) still has huge contempt for me, though we've been separated 17 years. He's remarried and has little or nothing to do with our teenage kids. My second husband (together six years) abused me - he went to jail and was found guilty of assault.

Two such crummy relationships make you a good candidate for personal therapy.... not because something's wrong with you, but because of the blow to your self-esteem, and perhaps to explore past issues which affected your choices of these men. Good counseling could be the start of a much happier path.

I've been married for three years and have a one-year-old son. Ever since he was born, my husband's been slowly getting distant. He still says he loves me but I can tell he doesn't mean it. He avoids talking about our relationship or any issues we come across. Lately I've been thinking of divorce a lot, but I really want to make this marriage work. How can I get him to at least talk to me?

The new baby is the change in both your lives, and he's reacting. You're the one most likely to adapt faster as a baby's demands are obvious and constant. But he may be feeling sidelined, neglected, worried about his new financial responsibilities, and the future - all fairly common new-father feelings. Instead of over-analyzing this, try giving him some attention of his own, show you still love him physically and emotionally, and then talk about your new roles when he's more accessible.

What if my ex doesn't want to sign the divorce papers?

Talk to someone in family court or get a lawyer's advice, to learn what's required in your legal jurisdiction.

My husband treats his father as his priority since his father has nowhere else to go. I decided to separate, but discovered I'm pregnant. If we do separate before the child is born, how do the custody laws work? I want to take care of my baby the whole time.

Do not try to punish your husband - keeping him from joint custody - through your child. Whether a son or daughter, the child will eventually want, and need, to know his or her father. And will likely resent you terribly for blocking this relationship, if that's what you intend. Custody and access are worked out during the separation process... but the courts don't deny fathers on only a mother's say-so. The issue here is your anger at your husband.... deal with this, discuss your pregnancy, try to find a partnership that looks after his father but makes you two and your child the priority.