We’ve dated for a few months, I’m 30 with a career job, and she's 23, still in university. We haven’t had sex yet as she wants to take things very slowly.

She’s already introduced me to her mother. And it was her idea to bring our friends together at an event.

Recently, something changed. She’s soon leaving for a summer study program across the country and saying we should put things on hold until she's back.

She suggested we only meet to say goodbye. It doesn't feel right to me. I don't see why she has to be distant before she leaves.

I want to see where we’re at when she returns, but this sudden chill’s upsetting.

Is distancing yourself before a trip somewhat normal?

Overreacting? 

In the realm of gender generalizations, yes, many females tend to worry ahead about the consequences of a change, which can mean preventing getting more attached before leaving.

Specifically, this woman doesn’t want to get more emotional (and perhaps sleep with you) since that could preoccupy her feelings when she’s meant to be focused on her new experience.

Stay cool. Let her be the one to wonder whether you’ll miss her, date others, feel the same way when she returns. Stay in touch, but not everyday, and don’t ask possessive-seeming questions. The break could help both of you see if you’re ready for deeper involvement ahead.

My partner and I just had a baby. He’s waiting to get into a college course, so currently working for minimum wage. I make a good hourly wage supply teaching. I can pick my hours, where I work, when, and how often.

We’d decided that because I can control my hours without being fired, I should be the stay-at-home parent. However, he said recently that he wants to be the at-home parent because I make more money.

I compromised – I said I’d work half-days and he can collect government maternity benefits for one year. He says it’s not enough money. I feel he’s caring more about money than the baby’s well being, though he claims he wants to bond with her.

Also, he has $60,000 in savings, so we’re not poor. But he and his family are very cheap and I believe he wants me to bring home the highest wage.

Meanwhile, his parents believe it’s degrading for people to know I make the greater salary, that it’s his job to bring home the bacon.

They insist that a woman should be in charge of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the baby.

It’s confusing both my partner and me.

Upset

Get his parents out of this decision. Neither of you should discuss it further with them, since their beliefs are clearly at odds with both of you.

Also, get rid of the polarization against him, in your own mind. You’re partners, you both have wants/needs to bond with your child, you both have feelings about working and staying at home.

Compromise is essential. Acknowledge that you both feel equally emotional as new parents, contemplating a big change, but then make the decision on a practical basis.

Do the math from the total potential income from each of your suggestions, and weigh it against your expenses.

Do NOT include the savings, which should be earmarked towards big-ticket possibilities such as his college tuition, buying a house, etc. Seeing it as the “not-poor-pot” is the beginning of dribbling it down if you decide on a plan you can’t afford.

FEEDBACK Regarding the father who’s wondering why his son, 40, after dating a woman for 12 years, has never been introduced to her family (April 28):

Reader – “It may be that his son’s gay, and she’s his "beard," or cover. The father said there was no indication of a marriage happening, and she accompanies the son to family events. Perhaps they have an understanding, and this is why it isn't necessary for him to participate in her family gatherings.”
Ellie – I include this comment, which is pure speculation, only because it reflects all-too-popular judgments rather than being helpful to the father. If a 40-year-old son is gay and his father doesn’t know it, that father doesn’t want to know it.

And if the couple have an “understanding” about preferring not to marry, it’s still unusual that she keeps him from her family, which the father IS trying to understand.