My boyfriend of 18 months and I are late-40s. I'm divorced, with joint custody of my sons. My boyfriend's been divorced for ten years with sole custody of daughters, ages late-teens to 21. His ex-wife abandoned them (an affair, plus problems with drugs and alcohol).

His daughters constantly call when we're out on a date. They fight to sit beside him. One often sits on his lap.

His ex-wife attends family functions, birthdays, holidays, Christmas, with them. Last Christmas I insisted he come to my house. But his phone didn't stop ringing.

During a family vacation together, one daughter locked herself in our room and wouldn't let us in all day. Sometimes I think his devotion is unhealthy.

I've voiced concerns (one daughter comes into his bed when she has a bad dream) but he becomes defensive.

Will things change when they get older or is he using the women in his life to block a deeper relationship?

Frustrated

Things will change, if HE lets them. But it was unrealistic for you to think the daughters wouldn't react to the "competition" of Daddy Wonderful's new love interest.

It's counter-productive for him not to ease them into your relationship - and for you not to plan this with him.

Example: His daughters should've been included in Christmas at your place, on a day before or after when they were with their mother.

You both need to demonstrate that he's able to have - and entitled to - a happy couple relationship in which they're neither neglected nor allowed to keep testing him. If he can't/won't do that, he's not ready to break away from the nest.

My son and his wife of 15 years have two children. They were initially involved in a pyramid business but weren't very successful.

My daughter-in-law insisted their kids go to a private school and their debt reached $65,000. I let them use my credit line to consolidate and it's now at $40,000.

Then, my DIL became involved with her employer and was fired by his wife. She since found a good-paying job that requires her to be away a lot. He looks after the kids, cleans, does laundry, shopping, etc. They live in a rental home but she spends a lot on clothing, hair, nails, etc. I never hear from her.

She has no friends, and hasn't been in touch with her parents for a while.

She recently announced that she's moving with the kids, but not him. He'll need to look after the kids but they can't afford separate residences.

Is there anything I can do besides worry?

Concerned Grandmother

Let these two adults work out their own problems. Only reach out in a positive way, such as spending good time with the kids.

Your DIL's a conduit to them, so it's far better to find some commonality than to focus on judging her.

Your son must work out crucial separation matters with her, on his own. He needs legal help (if you can afford it, make sure he gets it, but that doesn't give you a voice in the decisions).

Try to get out of the loan. With his wife earning better, the debt should become their joint financial responsibility, without you.

You've let your son lean on you, and his wife realizes it. She expects you to pick up his slack. However, if he learns to handle her - and their issues - on his own, he'll be a stronger person for it and that's good for the kids, too.

FEEDBACK Regarding the couple who lent their friends $10,000 (Sept. 2):

Reader - "The "loaner" couple

should have a candid talk with the "borrower" couple, and explain that the original amount advanced was not a gift, and that they cannot afford for it to not be repaid.

"Yes, it puts the friendship at risk, but do they really value a friendship that would lean on them for support during hard times, and refuse to repay that support once the situation has improved?

"If, after this discussion has occurred, the borrower couple still doesn't acknowledge the debt, the loaner couple should decide how strenuously they'll pursue collection.    This can range from accepting it as a personal loss, and pursue no action, to involving collection agencies (usually with the cost of a percentage of monies collected) and even lawyers (which can become enormously expensive if not managed properly) to pursue the debt."