My dad is having an affair with his next-door neighbor who’s my age (42) or younger.
I found out accidentally, but sometimes wish I didn’t know. I’m well aware of the hurt involved in a situation such as this.
At my father's age, he should be aware too!!
I’m very disturbed by his actions and disrespect to my mother. I’m certain, that if she found out, it would be devastating in so many ways. I partly wish she would find out so it’ll stop, but I don't want her to go through the pain.
I don't want to confront my dad, because it would make things very awkward between us. It needs to stop!!
How do I approach the situation without putting someone in harm’s way?
- Disturbing Affair
The person you’re trying to protect here, beyond Mom, is you… but it’s too late for that.
You need to speak to your father.
Other solutions, like approaching the woman directly, will only end up coming between you and your father anyway. Things are going to be awkward for you two, no matter what happens next.
I recommend you get him alone, far away from your mother, tell him you care about him, but must reach out to discuss this very sensitive issue.
If he says it’s none of your business, beg to differ - when Mom finds out, as she inevitably will, it’ll become the business of the whole family in the wake of her reaction.
Be straight up with him: If he intends to carry on with this other woman, he better come clean with his wife and make arrangements to provide for her amply should she wish to separate.
Only if this private approach does not work, do I then suggest you call on a respected friend of his to give him a realistic view of where this affair is likely to lead.
I'm a woman, early-20s, college-graduated, and in a caring, supportive relationship.
However, while I pride myself on being a thin person, it's in my head that I need to follow a rigorous eating regimen to stay thin. I consume extremely small portions of veggies, fruits, grains and dairy (less than 1200 calories a day), and that keeps me in control over my weight. I'm currently 5'9, and 128 pounds.
If I ever give in - accidentally- to my cravings, e.g. for an ice cream cone, I feel unbelievably guilty, I examine myself in the mirror and am convinced I've instantly grown chubby.
I've become food-obsessed. It's all I think about all day: I calorie-count, keep a food journal, and silently torment myself over a cookie. I fear this will turn into an eating disorder; especially when I nearly stuck my finger down my throat after 'giving in' on a piece of cake. I had a panic attack afterwards.
Are these the first signs of anorexia/bulimia?
You’re mistaken in thinking you have control – right now your obsession is controlling your behaviour and you need to deal with it before it distracts you from functioning normally, and/or negatively affects your health. Panic attacks are already an alarm signal.
Your BMI (based on your height and weight) is 18.9, which is considered on the very low end of NORMAL (see www.hc-sc.gc.ca SEARCH BMI). A low BMI (underweight) is associated with health problems such as osteoporosis, poor nourishment and eating disorders.
I recommend counselling, because something has you focusing on “staying thin,” as if to avoid facing any other, deep-rooted problems.
Five years ago I gave my wife diamond earrings for her birthday.
For three years, she’s been asking for larger diamonds. For her recent birthday, I gave her larger ones (also an upgrade in quality), partially funded by trading in her smaller pair.
Instead of a thank you, the only response I got was a disappointed "I wanted them both.”
Ellie, I now feel that my wife is selfish and self-absorbed, and I feel betrayed by her reaction.
What do you think?
Tell your wife that though the song says, “diamond’s are a girl’s best friend,” they’re cold comfort when she’s lying alone in the marriage bed. That’s not a threat, but a reality check that her focus on material goods instead of your considerate, generous gift is turning you away.
You need some loving talk from her to try to re-discover the emotional value of your partnership.
Tip of the day:
An adult child can effectively give an unfaithful parent a needed wake-up call.