Why is Christmas such an emotional roller-coaster?

Every year, I get caught up seeking the perfect gifts, I’m busy organizing the get-together with my siblings and parents, and planning the office event, too.

Yet, there’s always this anxious feeling inside that I’ll somehow feel disappointed, and I’m usually right! Someone always says or does something that causes hurt feelings.

And the magical-seeming traditions I loved in my childhood just never come out the same anymore.

Am I a Christmas Fool to want it to be a truly special day?

- Wondering

It’s near impossible in our adult lives to retain the innocence of childhood – when the festivities and fun were planned by others, and any slights and slip-ups went over young heads.

The way to keep Christmas “magical” must now come from an attitude of heart and mind, rather than seeking a “perfect” image of how the holiday should be.

Here’s my Happy Christmas recipe: If you choose presents that are affordable and show caring; if you receive gifts with true appreciation of others’ good intent; if you deal with your family with generosity of spirit while accepting their imperfections, and bring good cheer into your work life, you will have made this a very special Christmas for yourself and those around you.

I’m 29, engaged to get married in two months.

Several years back, I was madly in love with a girl who’s currently 27, but to her, I was only a friend then, though she knew how I felt towards her. We haven’t had contact for years but I kept getting news about her.

She lived with her boyfriend for two years but things didn’t work out too well as he was abusive.

Recently, she contacted me to find out if I was still available. I told her that I was engaged.

Because of that, she accepted her boyfriend’s proposal. They just got married two months ago. However, she keeps telling me that she’s not happy with him and she made a mistake. She’s saying that she now wants to be with me and is madly in love with me.

Last weekend, she told her husband she wants a separation.

Ellie, I’ll admit I still have some feelings for her, but I tried to contain those feelings because I’m committed to my fiancee.

This other girl was the one I loved and cared for the most, but I can’t leave my fiancee because I also care for her and don’t want to hurt her.

- Tug of War

You’re tugging at yourself with indecision, and that’s not fair to anyone including yourself. You need to step back from the double-whammy pressure you’re feeling.

The important first decision is this: Do you still care enough for your fiancée to marry her? If yes, stop contact with the other woman.

Your leftover feelings for her may simply come from the fact she once rejected you. Since then, she’s acted immaturely and foolishly, since no one should marry someone who’s already proven abusive. He wasn’t her only choice just because you were engaged.

More important, you’re not responsible for her actions.

However, if you’ve started to doubt the strength of your feelings for your fiancée, and whether they’ll last, then consider postponing the wedding while you think it through. She’ll be more accepting of this delay if you go for counselling, to help in the process of discovering if this is pre-marital cold feet or a true uncertainty.

I’m a teenage girl who, like any other, fights often with my mother.

She always talks to my friends’ moms about it. I’ve repeatedly asked her to stop; but she says it’s “reassuring herself that my behaviour is normal.”

What can I say for her to understand that it hurts me when our private conversations get around to my friends (their mothers tell them about it)?

- Frustrated with Mom!!

Privacy is important between family members, so - in a calm moment when there’s no fighting, open this discussion with Mom. Tell her you both need “reassurance” that you understand and trust each other.

Without accusations, suggest that you can both check up for “normalcy” about how each of you is handling teenagers’ issues, through researching expert information. Start with my web site, www.ellieadvice.com and click on Resources, where under Books, there are several dealing with teenagers’ behaviour and information for parents.