Following are leftover questions from my online chat, “When to Have The Talk,” March 4:
My husband’s very wired, physically, and must be active all the time.
So we’re constantly on the go. We don’t have children and he always wants my company - at the gym, the tennis club, skating, a lecture, the latest movie.
It sounds like marvelous choices to my friends who are busy with families, but I feel like I have no say.
I’d love a lazy day of reading, watching TV, taking a spontaneous walk.
But I fear that, for him, our relationship depends on all this frenzied activity.
Your last sentence tells me that you feel insecure about whether he enjoys just being with you, or needs busy distractions.
But you give no other sign showing that’s what his activity is about.
He may simply run on a faster motor than yours.
Don’t just run breathlessly to keep up, while building resentment and anxiety.
Talk to him. He may have no idea this isn’t as satisfying for you.
He has the freedom to enjoy his interests; you want the freedom to mellow out sometimes. Tell him that mutual satisfaction will benefit your relationship.
Then have the confidence to believe it.
My husband and I disagree on many things and bicker.
He’ll tell a story in public and I know it’s wrong because I was there too, and things didn’t happen that way.
When he “embellishes” the story, I get embarrassed that he’s making things up. It’s like lying to me.
He gets furious if I later say this to him, gently, so we can discuss it.
He also gets names wrong and insists he’s right when mentioning something someone said.
The same thing happens when misnaming a place where we went, or restaurant where we ate. These disagreements happen when we’re alone, and they bother me, but not him.
He’s not interested in getting it right, or else he just won’t listen when he’s sure he is right.
There seems no way to deal with this since it’d just be another disagreement.
His casual approach to remembering some names and places could be age-related (though I don’t know your ages).
If memory in general is becoming a problem, you might suggest a medical checkup, but not based on you being “right”, rather on concern for his well-being.
OR, there’s no link to short-term memory loss or age at all. It’s just not important to him, because it’s the story he cares about and the attention he gets when telling it.
He’s not “lying” to you, or anyone else, there’s no attempt to deceive.
Rather, he’s “embellishing” a story for dramatic effect, which he thinks shines nicely on him as storyteller, or hero, of the incident he’s recounting.
In all likelihood, your close friends and relatives also know when he’s stretching the facts, yet no one else is making a point of telling him so.
It’s not a huge irritant in the total picture of a relationship, so it’s the total picture that might have other issues you need to address.
Perhaps you’re a stickler for detail (and that’s one of the issues) so it irritates you more than usual.
If so, before having the talk with him, you need to have the talk with yourself, and maybe a close trusted friend, too.
Do his exaggerated stories trouble them? Or, are you generally critical of your husband and need to recognize why? Think about it.
I’m engaged, some things worry me but I don’t want to fight while planning our wedding.
He’s always smoked pot, daily, it keeps him calm. Without it, we argue more.
He gets me to do everything with the excuse that I’m better at chores. If I insist he help, he gets moody.
He’s going to keep using his “moods” until you have a major blow-up.
NOW is the time to talk out what you both expect from marriage.
If he wants things just as they are, you have a problem. Unless you accept that you’ll be doing the heavy lifting of responsibilities, indefinitely.
Maybe he doesn’t like being told what to do. Let him choose his own tasks.
When he realizes you’re not picking up his slack, he may get it. If not, you’re facing more fights.
Find out how committed you are to him, and not just a wedding.
Tip of the day:
The measure of “togetherness” is emotional connection, not constant joint activity.