My wife and I have been married for over two decades and our sex life has had peaks and troughs. There have been illnesses, stresses, issues between us and multiple other factors that have kept us away from each other intimately. But there have also been many, many seasons of closeness, both physical and emotional.
Recently, my wife has been distant. As far as I know, there is nothing wrong with her health, there isn’t anything stressful going on, and our family is healthy and happy. I’ve tried to approach her, but she pushes me away. I’ve tried asking her what’s going on, but she just shrugs it off.
Should I be worried? Should I push her for information? Should I leave her alone? I don’t know what to do but I miss my wife.
Horny Hubby
You haven’t said how long your wife has been giving you the cold shoulder. A day? A week? A month? If it’s either of the first two, leave her be. If it’s a month, and that’s not “normal” for you two, then yes, you have every right to ask her what’s going on and not accept a shrug as an answer. After 20+ years of marriage, you deserve a conversation, which hopefully includes an explanation.
You mentioned many possible factors that can affect one’s libido and sexual activity; however, you didn’t mention menopause. I bring it up because, if you two have been married for as long as you say, more than likely, your wife is of the age many women reach perimenopause or even menopause. And that can completely affect her sexual activity and libido.
If she doesn’t raise it in conversation, or give you any other viable explanation, you may want to discuss it with her. It may be the answer; it may not.
Everywhere I turn, people seem to be in happy sexual relationships, which highlights the fact that I am not. I just want to find a woman I can love and be lustful with. I’m also a woman, obviously gay, but that shouldn’t have any bearing. I have so much love to give, both physical and emotional, and I just want to give it. Of course, I also want to be loved.
That’s been my problem historically. I have showered my partners with love and affection, and they haven’t returned the sentiment. My sister, who is hetero, has always warned me that I give too much too soon, but I don’t know how to be anything but loving and effusive.
I’m lonely, horny and feel like my life is passing me by.
Love starved
I don’t have enough (or any) historical evidence to go on, but perhaps your sister – who I imagine knows you better than anyone – has a valid point. Maybe, just maybe, you come on too strong, too quickly. Relationships aren’t meant to be a game of who can get more than they give, but if you offer everything before your partner gives you anything, why would they expend any energy giving you anything? Does that make sense?
I’m not saying that’s what’s happening, or that it’s remotely kind, but it doesn’t sound far-fetched either. However, I am in no way suggesting you change. You need to be yourself, always, and you will meet someone who has as much love to give as you have. There is someone for everyone, but perhaps you haven’t found the right person yet.
Again, not saying you should change, but perhaps you should listen to your sister and ask her to help you. She can help you see where your actions and/or words may have the wrong effect. I say, give it a shot. You’ve got nothing to lose.
FEEDBACK Regarding asexuality (July 23):
Reader – “To the writer who signed themselves ‘Asexual maybe?,’ I strongly encourage you to do research into asexuality if you seriously think this may describe you. Lisi suggests seeking professional therapy about how it may affect your future. I guarantee that it will affect your entire life and all your personal relationships. Please do some research; a good place to start is: https://www.asexuality.org/
“After spending most of my life wondering what was ‘wrong’ with me, and hurting people I truly loved, it was such a relief to finally identify as asexual - and normal - in my 50s.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the imbalance (July 25):
Reader – “I think the wealthy woman is aware of her situation and by complaining about her ‘woes’ is trying to distract from her wealth and make herself more relatable. Probably thinks she won’t have a friend unless she does.”