I’m a woman, 40, divorced long ago, and have had a couple of long-term relationships.
One month ago, I met a man who’s perfect for me!
We both agreed that we’re old enough to know what we want, so he’s moved into my condo.
The only problem is he needs to know everything I’m doing.
When I don’t come straight home from work, the texts fly in repeatedly, asking where I am, if I’m in trouble, etc.
It’s flattering, and he’s so loving when he realizes that I simply went shopping on my way home.
But it’s also annoying.
Lately, he’s been asking to meet my friends.
The next time I was late – I forgot to tell him I had to stay to finish something – he called my three friends to ask if they knew where I was and what I was doing.
My best friend says these are red flags and I’m going to have worse problems if I don’t pay attention.
I need an objective opinion.
Those are dire warnings, not just flags. Your boyfriend is a jealous controller. He’s hounding your every move because his basic nature is to distrust.
He may even be a cheater himself, and assumes it of others.
You moved in together far too early. Not everyone is what they seem in the first flush of excitement.
Tell this man his constant checking up is unnecessary and uncomfortable. You want it to stop.
However, if you have any hint that he’s likely to react badly, ask your best friend to call soon after you start this conversation, with a password between you if you need immediate help.
If he starts tracking you again, make a safe plan for telling him to leave, permanently.
I’m very attached emotionally to a very nice guy.
I was ready for the next step when he confessed that he’s bisexual. Now I’m confused.
He’d previously told me I’m the one even if he had many meaningful relationships (I had only one).
Now I wonder if this was a divider in his other relationships.
I’m not ready to share him with anybody else and I feel jealous.
I remember when one of his friends visited him at work and I became suspicious that he was more than a friend.
I try to understand him and I appreciate that he was honest about that and about his abusive brother in his past.
But I believe the past should stay in the past.
I understand that he needs sometimes to recharge his batteries with guys at fishing or the tobacco club.
I wish he’d quit smoking as it’s damaging his health but would he do that for me, if not for him?
If I’m not enough, how can I be the one?
I really love him, but I’m not sure how I can be supportive in this new situation.
Was anybody else ever in this situation? Did the relationship survive?
Couples who want to be together make their own adjustments. But you can’t do that because you’ve asked him nothing about what his being bi-sexual means to your relationship.
You’re assuming you have to share him, and already trying to change him – he can fish with the guys, but he can’t smoke, forget his past, etc.
Talk to him. Ask what he envisions for a relationship with you. If you still want to move forward, I suggest counselling to help you both decide what’s divisive or not.
FEEDBACK Regarding the grandparents who consider themselves kind and loving, but are ignored by their adult children and rarely see grandchildren (Nov. 14):
Reader – “My parents would also describe themselves as “kind, thoughtful, loving people” but I have to keep them at a distance as grandparents.
“They act as if boundaries are made to be tested, and it’s exhausting being around them with our very young son.
“My mom’s the original “Mom-shamer” and regales me with stories of how she was the perfect mother, whereas I’m met with criticism.
“When my son was six-weeks-old, I described him as miserable and was instantly chided instead of supported.
“Had I listened to her, I’d have never sought help with breastfeeding and had a starving baby – I’m now on nine pills daily for milk production and my son needed a minor procedure on his tongue.
“I keep my distance for my own mental health.”
Tip of the day:
Someone who needs to know “everything” you’re doing doesn’t trust you without his control.