How do you get back trust? My boyfriend doesn’t trust me, to the point where I have no friends or family, and can’t work.
He won’t let me go to my sister’s place alone. I’m monitored on the Internet, and when he’s at work I have to swear on my kids’ lives that I won’t go anywhere.
He says that the reason for all this is because, when he was in jail, I tried to move on.
Is he just controlling or what? There’s so much more but not enough time to explain.
I dearly hope that you’re using some other email address than the one he monitors and will find ways to keep doing that until you’re safely free from him.
He is NOT “just controlling”… he’s abusive and dangerous. He’s isolated you from family, friends, and your right to a normal life that includes those supports.
He’s stolen who you are and what you can accomplish through work, further education, volunteering, or any other way you might choose to be motivated, and self-satisfied.
Do not argue with him about this or things will get worse. Above all, you need safety for yourself and your children.
There are “distress helplines” and websites that can get you to a local women’s shelter for yourself and your children, plus a community agency for abused women to help you find work.
You can turn to police as an abused and isolated woman who needs to be escorted to safety once you’ve got the information and a plan.
But make your calls and contacts only from private lines and email out of his control. Get your sister to visit and help you.
If you fear him too much for all this, you’re in even graver danger than you realize. Proceed cautiously, but seize any opportunity you can to get help.
He’s been in jail, and has a record. His abuse can land him back in jail. Do not believe that you can win back his “trust.”
You’ve done nothing wrong, but he’s manipulated you to think you’re at fault because you considered “moving on,” when he was convicted for some crime.
Now, save yourself and your kids from his obsession with keeping you “imprisoned” by him.
I’m 69. About 18 months ago I lost my wife after she suffered a long and painful illness.
Now that I’m on my own, everyone including my grandchildren is set on having me “meet a nice lady.”
I don’t want to meet a nice lady, have a nice cup of tea, or a nice quiet chat.
I’m living a quiet, peaceful, and fulfilling life but no one will leave me alone.
I’ve tried everything short of blatant rudeness, but it doesn’t work.
I’m at peace. I like my life. I chat with ladies at church and at bowling. That’s all I want.
However, I'm becoming very stressed. Why won’t they leave me alone?
Pressured and Annoyed
You’re being seen as a “hot” prospect on the seniors’ dating scene, against your will.
Family members mean well, but are insensitive to your own wishes. They’re also treating you as if you’re no longer capable of knowing what you want and how you want to live.
Tell them they have no reason for concern. At 69, your thinking process and personal tastes aren’t muddled. If they persist, direct refusals are fine because they’re disrespecting you.
Assure them you’ll let them know when you need their help, but for now, they must back off.
FEEDBACK Regarding the “Fearful Bride” who didn’t know about her husband’s anger issues until after they married (April 7):
Reader – “Please tell her to “Run. Get out now!” But do so safely, as men like this become even more dangerous when they know that you’re leaving or have left.
“A childhood friend of mine stayed with her abusive husband for 40 years until he killed her last year.
“By then she had no one but him, as her family and her own kids couldn’t stand seeing the abuse and her slow deterioration from it, physically and mentally.
“This woman also deserves better.”
Ellie – As you can see above, I fully agree with you in many cases. But this woman’s story showed possibility that her husband could benefit from therapy and medication as he’d already changed somewhat. So I recommended a separation period.
But if there’s no improvement, I agree she should leave permanently.
Tip of the day:
Make a safe and secret plan to leave an abuser.