My husband of 27 years was recently contacted by his daughter, who’d been adopted as a baby. She’s now 32 and sought medical history. My husband informed me of the contact. I encouraged him to provide the necessary details.

However, I recently discovered several emails between them, containing family history including the names of our children and me. They don’t yet know of this half-sibling. I was extremely upset that he’s providing more information than medical history.

Since we share a computer, I have access to his files so I wasn’t prying. Should I confront him or leave it alone until (if) he decides to tell me?

My children would be devastated to be contacted by this girl out of the blue. I’m devastated to know he’s corresponding secretly on other topics and not telling me about it.

Betrayed and Angry

It’s not very “secret” when he knows you can read these files any time. It’s more that you feel you have little part in this new relationship.

It’s natural that he’s excited to share some information. Yes, he should’ve discussed it with you first, and yes, she could contact your kids (presumably not young children). But unless there’s reason to suspect she’s looking to make trouble, do NOT overreact.

Talk to him about her and ask how their contact is going. Suggest he tells your children about her (why not?). Have a family discussion later to suggest everyone goes slowly on connecting, until your husband has a better sense of her.

Realize that he must’ve felt some guilt at having had a child adopted, and now must be relieved and gratified to have this contact.

My father was murdered last year and the case is still unresolved. He wasn’t really close with his children but he tried his best. In turn, all my siblings are not close either.

As my father was divorced, my brother's name (he’s second eldest, following me, a female) was on his work pension of approximately $100,000.

My brother’s decided to not share any of this money with his siblings (only one is a minor, under 18) and kept it all for himself.

I’m deeply upset by this and it’s definitely not what my dad would’ve wanted. But with no will, there’s nothing to contest.

What can I do to heal myself healthily as I’m presently daydreaming of revenge against my brother and his fiancée?

Betrayed

With violence (murder) already a fact in your family picture, thinking “revenge” is beyond unhealthy…. it could take you down a self-destructive path.

Get legal advice… if there’s enough evidence of your father’s contact with some of his children (you, perhaps) there may be a case for proving he just used that name on the pension as the eldest male.

If not, move on from your hurt either with counselling, or recognition that your brother and fiancée are dealing with mis-directed gain, to the loss of his siblings.

This means he’s not a nice person and you need have nothing to do with him again. And tell him why.

My child ran away from home.

No Name

I include this letter because most parents would know to call Police immediately.

So, if you’re the runaway child who’s seeking direction, I urge you to go to police or call Kids Help Phone. It’s at 1-800-668-6868 in Canada, or ask for other locations – it’s a free, national, bilingual, confidential and anonymous, 24-hour telephone and online counselling service.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose boyfriend’s drunken friend kept showing up on their dates and at restaurants they were at (April 17):

Reader – “One thing you failed to address - How did he know which restaurant they were at? How did he find them every time they were together?

“It sounds to me that her boyfriend did not want to be alone with her, if he was giving out this information to his friend. Just a thought!”

Ellie – “You’re straight to the point there. My advice was more overview – 1) that she needs to get to know her boyfriend better before getting more involved long-term, as he doesn’t set boundaries with friends (and possibly his mother/father, later).

“And 2) that he enabled his alcoholic friend to drink and drive, making him legally liable if there’s an accident, not to mention possibly leading to someone’s bodily harm.”