My brother’s wife is rude and unkind to my wife. I have tried to talk to my brother about her behaviour, but he says it’s between the two women. My wife is the most nonconfrontational person, so she will never talk to her sister-in-law. I decided to give it a try, with my wife’s blessing.

Disaster! She screamed and yelled at me and told me never to talk to her again. She said that I was intruding on her business and that if my wife has a problem with her, she should speak to her herself. I tried to stay calm and explain that my wife would never say anything. She went on a rampage. I left with her still screaming.

The next day she came over, unannounced, asked if the children were around, which they weren’t, and then started screaming at my wife! Thank goodness I was there because I thought my wife was going to break. I suggested she go upstairs. I then asked my sister-in-law to leave. She refused and so I picked up the phone to call the police. I wasn’t playing and I think she knew, so she left.

My wife is completely shaken; I’ve had to speak to a doctor. Now what?

Crazy SIL

It sounds as though you need a restraining order against your sister-in-law. That’s not something I would ever suggest normally, however, in this situation, she sounds unstable, is extremely confrontational, and seems ready for a fight. Your wife can’t handle that and needs to feel safe in her own home.

This is going to have a hugely negative impact on your relationship with your brother, and your wife’s relationship with your brother. I pray for you that your parents and in-laws can stay out of it, and that the children aren’t impacted.

My brother and I rented a cottage to share for the summer. It has multiple bedrooms, so he and his wife have theirs and we have ours, plus there are several for the children. We split the eight weeks evenly, including some shared time both months.

They took the first week of July and then we arrived. The place was beautiful, clean and even more spacious than we realized. The week started off great, but my wife and I both noticed how messy our teenage nephews are to live with. They throw their clothes everywhere, leave dirty dishes everywhere, and leave half-eaten food everywhere. They’re also not thoughtful or considerate, never offering to share or make food for anyone else.

When they left, we hired a cleaning service to come in and blitz the place. We then had a fabulous week on our own. Almost as soon as they returned for week four, the messiness took over. I pulled my brother aside and asked if he could speak with his boys. He laughed and said he would try. We made it through the week and left.

When we returned for week six, the place was a disaster! My brother had not called the cleaners, the kids’ rooms had all been slept in and no beds were made, let alone sheets changed. I was furious! My wife and I are disgusted. We don’t want to come back for our last week with them, but we also don’t want to pay for it or split any damages.

What do we do?

Messy teenagers

You can choose not to spend the last week at the cottage together, but you can’t change the division of cost. You can walk around the cottage with your brother and point out any damage. And you can try to prove it was his kids and not yours. But if it’s nothing too expensive, I wouldn’t fight it.

Lesson learned: don’t rent a cottage with them again.

FEEDBACK Regarding sibling estrangement (July 26):

Reader – “Tell your brother that you love him. Tell him you would love to be in each other's lives, with him deciding what this relationship could look like. Give him the power, for now, to hopefully start to repair your relationship.”

FEEDBACK Regarding not the nanny (May 23):

Reader – “While not the same, this is still a good comeback: My friend’s children looked exactly like their father.  When comments were made, my friend would smile sweetly, and comment ‘Yes, but one of them has my genitals.’

“Shut people up every time.”

Reader #2 – “Any comments regarding the children that assumes the nature of the relationship would be intrusive and inappropriate.”

Lisi – I agree! Though people often feel the need to comment on genes. Even today, I bumped into a friend with his teenage daughter, and I commented how much they looked alike. We all need to be more thoughtful.