We married eight months ago, after nine years of dating. We’ve been growing apart slowly and painfully.
She was at home, unemployed, and looking for work, while I was at work. Our dinners and conversations soon disappeared as she became attached to the Internet, and texting.
We’re both non-confrontational and this persisted. Several months ago, I discovered she was calling and texting 4000 times a month. She’d blatantly text when we went out for dinner, shopping, etc. She was consistently checking her phone not knowing how it hurts that I'm right there.
I ignored it, waiting for her to explain.
On a recent road trip, the texting continued while we were driving. That’s when I confronted her; she only said, “feelings change.”
I texted the number of the person she keeps talking to, then she admitted it. She said they’ve become close friends but have never met.
I lost the trust in our marriage. One side of my heart wants to make it work, but it takes both partners to do so.
Hurt and Confused
There’s a difference between being non-confrontational, and ignoring a widening gap. Her behaviour was beyond rude, but screamed that something was wrong.
Now, confront her clearly. Only a mutual willingness to go to marital counselling and discuss the problems, whatever they may be, can try to save this marriage.
She likely also lost trust, when you didn’t seem to care about her withdrawal. Speak up, and also listen.
I threw my son's fiancée a bridal shower, together with her mother. I invited all my family and friends with the exception of my sister-in-law (my husband’s brother's wife).
We haven’t spoken for ten years; don't even greet each other at a family function (there were words years ago that were never resolved).
My husband, son, and future daughter-in-law talk to both her and her husband, however my brother-in-law doesn't speak to me.
At my son's engagement party, they were invited and didn’t say hello (no congratulations). This was insulting and embarrassing.
I told my husband I wouldn’t invite her to the shower, and he didn't seem to care. My future daughter-in-law said I should do what I feel.
However, my husband’s sisters, brother, and mother became upset and claim that my sister-in-law should’ve been invited.
My husband now agrees with them. The couple is invited to the wedding, but he says they don't feel welcome.
I explained that they’re invited to the wedding to respect him! No one cared when I was hurt and disrespected at my own son's engagement party. My son agrees with me.
What do you think? What should I have done?
It’s now about what you should do in future.
Extend the invitation to the wedding again, with a personal note from you, and put this family rift behind all of you.
This event is all about the bridal couple, and it’s your role as a parent to be gracious and make sure both bride and groom have a happy day, without family squabbling and back-biting in the atmosphere.
Your husband’s in an awkward position. He didn’t realize the impact of your decision on the shower, and now finds his family divided, which could turn the wedding into a chance for all the guests to see it.
Despite your SIL’s rudeness at the engagement party, the shower was hosted by the bride’s mother too, not you alone. The woman should’ve been invited, and you taken the high road as the better person.
You can still be that person.
FEEDBACK Regarding the person whose friends had just gotten engaged despite having regular blowout fights (May 1):
Reader – “From my own experience, your advice was excellent. The couple was extremely against divorce and the marriage didn't look promising. You suggested that the friend be congratulatory while also saying something like "I really admire the way you two have come through your ups and downs. Have you thought about pre-marital counselling so you can avoid the same old patterns?"
“I wanted to let you know that there are a lot of marriage inventories out there that are administered by clergy.
“My husband and I went to our minister specifically to do something called “Prepare.” We’d read about it and it had a good statistical rate of predicting marital success, as well as the areas that couples needed to work on.
“Some local social service organizations also provide group pre-marital counselling.”
Tip of the day:
Not confronting a persistent problem can cost the chance to repair it.